Hoping I find something to hope for again...Super huge vent!
Okay, brace yourselves because I am mainly a lurker and this has building for months so it will be a long one.
It all started probably around the time of my icky can of worms. My fiance (C) and I had that initial one connection and then things took a terrible turn. He started becoming very vulgar with me. Every waking moment talk was of sex in a very demeaning way. It was a sensitive subject at the time and I needed his love and I needed to be treated tenderly. I got neither. I was made to feel guilty for not putting out as a result. When things with my boyfriend (K) became strained and I was scared that he would leave me I sought comfort from C and he proceeded to be uncompassionate and talk about how much he "wanted" me. This is where our breakdown began and it spread though every single aspect of our relationship. My feelings where of little importance and he started "faking" improving our relationship. His words lacked integrity. He made so many promises of the improvements he was making, when all he was doing was closing himself off to me. Keeping things a secret.
I would list all of the problems, but that would take even longer and it's really not about the problems, It's about the fact that I can't trust him. It's about looking back on our almost 8 years together and seeing a huge pattern that I apparently had turned a blind eye to. He breaks my trust and then he says all of these beautiful words and then does the exact same thing again. His apologies... I can recite them word for word. And his lying is making him a very angry person. He has even stooped to mimicking me in the shower when I'm laying in bed on the other side of the wall.
And things with my boyfriend.... are amazing. I have never felt this level of intimacy, and trust. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything and know that it will not be used against me. He will not manipulate the love I have or the trust I have in him and he most definitely won't keep it in his back pocket to throw in my face when he does something sneaky. Its an odd thing to be going through the best of times and the worst of times... at the same time.
The thing is everything came to a head with C a few weeks ago. My boyfriend and I made a united front that there will be no more shady business. No more lying and definitely no more "faking it." We all got on the same page. Everything came out, everything was discussed. It left us all an emotional wreck and completely drained, but it had to be done. Everyone needed a voice in this. Once we got everything out the next step is improvement, right? Everyday I was told, tomorrow will be different. And it took quite some time to get to that different day. Last Tuesday to be exact. It's been a very slow process. I'm so very leery of trusting him. I relate it to the abused dog and the abusive owner with a doggy treat. But I've been working on myself and taking each day as it comes.
I went out of town this weekend to see my boyfriend. We grew even closer than I ever thought is possible. Just a perfect weekend. While I was gone I left my fiance with some emergency money (one of my issues is that I am no longer able to trust him with our funds.) To be used ONLY for an emergency. This was a big leap in trust for me. It was a symbol of my restored faith in him. I get back yesterday from my date and my fiance and i have a very nice day together and it was effortless. It was truly a great day. Tonight I ask for the money back and he apparently dipped into it which made me fly off the handle. There was no emergency, but if he would have just called or sent me a text (we texted quite often the day I was gone) saying what and why it wouldn't have been a big deal. So he proceeds to tell me tonight that h figured I wouldn't care since I got a ticket (first one in my life.) I pointed out the fact that I called him and told him the moment it happened and I didn't have an agreement on no traffic violations so 1) the two have no connection and 2) two wrongs don't make a right. And then I had to point out the fact that it's not about money.
What it is about is I feel I cannot depend on him. I feel I cannot trust him. I was on the verge of leaving from all that he has done and it's fucking hard for me to take a step back and stay. Love is so not enough and I am trying to keep my dignity and self worth and not kick myself in the ass for continuing to hope. So tonight he is saying never again... again. He's a two steps forward one step back kind of guy. Always has been always will be. WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT??? I'm tired of empty promises. I have no more blind faith. When the hell is enough going to finally be enough for me? Because here I am again. And I'm about to go and find him and listen to what I've already heard... I need ACTION. I need this dishonesty to stop. (Which I have said and yet it continues) I feel like I'm hanging on by three threads, I love him, my daughter loves him, and I feel like I HAVE to take care of him like he is my second child. I feel our relationship is doomed if he can't figure out how to gain some integrity. I have this other amazing relationship with a man that his doing his damnedest to help in anyway possible to help salvage my other relationship and my fiance is letting us both down. and I'm more heartbroken than ever because it comes so effortlessly with my boyfriend (the trust and openness) and I feel like I'm grasping at air trying to find one single thing to hold hope in achieving such a thing with my fiance once again.
Also, it has nothing to do with poly or his ability to handle it. He is actually very encouraging of my other relationship and knows that he is a very good man for me. This is strictly in his relationship with me. Sigh, I feel so selfish posting all of this.
Last edited by Ilove2men; 02-23-2010 at 03:01 AM.