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Old 02-23-2010, 12:47 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,999

Originally Posted by PeterD View Post
anyway the main question is -
Do i act on my relationships based on hubby's emotional and relationships state? and would it even "cure" his jealousy anyways? What tools have others found to dissolve jealousy?
There’s not a lot I can suggest about things you could do for your husbands envy, other than the patented ‘Communicate the hell out of everything’ approach that comes standard with almost any poly conversation.
Unless of course you meet any nice people that you’d like to hook him up this particular case it might help get over that particular barrier. I’m sure stranger things have happened.
I think much of your husbands envy comes from inside him, so it’s mostly something that he will need to do some soul searching and internalizing to sort it all out.

Originally Posted by tomwithit View Post
yes envy is a much better definition of emotion that I have been feeling. over the last month or so it has been ripping me apart.
Our situation at the current time is we have children and it's very hard to stay "busy" and not dwell when I feel stuck at home taking care of our kids.
But the envy still sits under my skin like a tick making it hard to completely forgive and forget the situations that have occurred.
I hear ya brother, on a lot of the things you mention. They strike me as very familiar feelings that both my wife and I have had to deal with…and continue to. It’s not restricted to aspects of poly relationships, but in our situation has more to do with jobs and hobbies where the kids spend a lot of time with only one parent around. And we spend a lot of time looking after the kids and wondering when the other spouse will take them off our hands. Makes the kids sound like a burden doesn’t it? Is that how the kids should feel? Would you as their parent want them to feel like a burden? They’re intuitive and empathic creatures that will pick up on these things if you want them to or not.

This is one of those times when I’ll ask some hard questions, not to have them answered for me, but to bring them up to answer for yourself, to help you find your own path.

Here’s another one. Jealousy is something that generally is a product of our expectations or fears, and another person’s actions (usually a lover, or a third person liable to gain their affections). As such the cause of jealousy can and is often levelled at another person. Envy is less about others, and more about the individual afflicted with it. If one is feeling envious, it is really about the person feeling it. So who is there to forgive, and what transgressions to forget, if the cause of envy is yourself?

Originally Posted by tomwithit View Post
Here is a problem I am facing. yes I am shy as my wife suggested and it's a big part of the envy.
plus I envy that she is woman and so far from my experience men are more willing to say yes to an attached person then a woman is.
There’s nothing about this that would ring untrue in my experience either. So the question here what? Would it feel better if she had as much trouble finding dates as you do? I’ve heard the experiences of some bi-poly women who have a hell of a time finding dates, probably more-so than men. The bi/les dating pool is a fraction the size, and anecdotally at least the vast majority of them are either anti-bi (only a phase) or are extremely against the idea being involved with women who are still with men.
If you’re shy, that’s your own limitation, not your wife’s. You can use it as an excuse, or find a way to change it, or overcome it. (I use the same excuse by the way, and not always sure which way I’m going to go with it either. But I do recognize shyness for what it’s excuse)
One odd thing I have come across when I’ve approached the subject with otherwise mono women is that they’re not always turned off by it. There’s an odd paradox I find, in that while they are adamantly against the idea of being cheated on (and of course there will be stories of who cheated on them, and how many times they’ve cheated on others), they often are comfortable enough with being the ‘other’ woman (In terms of the classic mono-scripted relationship model) to try it again. And yet responsible or ethical non-monogamy is considered ‘weird’...sometimes I just don’t understand how people think. Anyways...I digress.

Originally Posted by tomwithit View Post
Another thing I am discovering is so far most of the woman that are open to poly relationships are somewhat to extremely outside the spectrum of what I am attracted to.
I am sure there are women out there that I am attracted to that would like to be with someone like me I just have not found them yet.
I hear you on this too. Especially with quiz/matching sites. I’ll look at profiles and what people like...and what I like, and I have to wonder what kind of crack the programmers are smoking that put me at such a high match percentage with people that at first glance it seems I have little in common with.
So what? It is what it is. Is there anything you can do about it? Is it the mechanism to find potential partners that you would be attracted to? What’s the trade-off between effort to frustration?

Originally Posted by tomwithit View Post
well I have two women I have met in the real world that know my situation and are willing to talk to me about it. so wish me luck. I feel like a lot of our strain will be released when I have my "poly" as well
This last part makes me wonder where your focus is. It almost makes it sound like you’re in competition with your wife to who can have other dates first. Or that there’s a perception that the envy and associated problems will disappear once you have your own dates. Is that the point?
So what happens once you have a new relationship that’s going well, and your wife’s bf dumps her? And she has trouble finding another date for whatever reason. Are you going to put your gf on hold until your wife finds someone new? Is your wife supposed to put her other loves and happiness on hold everytime you find yourself between gf’s? Could you find happiness in your wife and her contentment? Can you let go of yourself and your problems, obstacles, excuses long enough to feel her happiness and let it reflect inside you?

Originally Posted by tomwithit View Post
I also want to note I love my wife very very very much and I do believe in the end we will feel really good about our decisions, we are just in a kind of muck right now trying hard to stay centered and work things out.
Keep working at it...and keep talking. But I think your biggest conversation for a moment may be with yourself. My feeling is that there’s a lot of questions you need to ask yourself, and give yourself honest answers to, like the ones I already mentioned.
What do I actually feel about these things?
On issue X...Can I control it? If I can't, how much time do I spend shouting at the rain?
So What?
Does it need to stay that way?
Will this help our relationship?
How my action/decision affect the wife/kids/lover/myself?
Will this take us in the direction we want to go?
Is this something I can/should change?

There’s no right or wrong answers to the questions you ask yourself. Only truthful answers, and not. You won’t do any favours to anyone by lying to yourself.
There’s also answers that will lead you to communication, respect, love, honesty and compersion. And there will be answers that will lead to their opposites. Which path do you want to take? How can you change those answers to lead you on the path you want?

These will be the ones to concentrate on and internalize...until your inclinations to envy fade into the background and be lost to you, and you’ll reread your original post here and wonder to yourself “What the hell was I thinking”.

Don’t kid yourself though...this takes some time. Patience and perseverance.

“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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