I left a cliffhanger in that last post...
I wanted to mention how I discovered polyamory as a way of life. Between 2006 and 2007 I left Ave because I thought my feelings for other people (BB in particular) made me a bad person.I thought I must have been born to lie and cheat so I left Ave hoping that he would be better without me. In reality this was the worst hurt I could ever do to him. I knew I was hurting him but everywhere I looked I couldn't find any evidence that loving more than one was even a choice in life.
After six months I couldn't stand hurting Ave anymore, and the only solution of just choose one guy over the other wasn't working. BB had never heard of polyamory either, and neither he nor Ave knew each other at all, but BB encouraged me to find some other way that wasn't cheating. In shear desperation I logged onto an advice forum, something like notalone . com. I asked if it was possible to love two people at once and live in a loving manner. My whole life I had always pictured myself with two people, my whole life people abhorred my fantasy. After a dozen or so dissenting posts some random person said what I wanted was called polyamory.
My world opened. There were crazy people like me who had multiple love feelings at the same time?! I told Ave immediately of my discovery, and kept him up to date as I learned more. He hadn't pictured such a concept in his life, but would support who I was completely. BB thought the idea made sense, and liked the idea of models of commitment outside of the Conservative life he knew.
It's probably strange to read me describing Ave just accepting me, it comes off as selfish. During my confused time, where I left Ave, I thought being single would help me sort out what was wrong with me. (I did not have any intimate times with anyone during this time, I didn't break-up to have sex conscious-free). This multiple love feelings was the only topic of my life I hadn't shared with Ave. From this we truly had shared everything with each other. My experiences and thoughts about/with other people was a taboo subject I thought a girlfriend wasn't supposed to share with her boyfriend. I'm not the type of person who follows the crowd, but I did/tried too in this aspect of my life and not following my heart to love all I can love caused more pain than anything else I've ever done.
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.