I'm still working through the process of being okay with the way things are between me and E. I spent a lot of time in that stage of just being frustrated because he is just what I want, but I am clearly not what he wants. So lots of wasted time just wishing things were different. And of course, the hurt and pain of being rejected.
I still feel wistful, but I'm really trying to appreciate what I do have. And I clearly know that this is pretty awesome, because I still am surprised at how well I managed during our chat. If I'd had to predict, I would have assumed I'd cry and be a mess, and that would have ended our nice evening. Or that things would have been negative somehow. I felt weird when I woke up the next morning but it ended up being okay, and I still enjoyed the time I spent with him.
I'm still really not all that clear on what I am to him, but I do know that he likes spending time with me, and that'll have to do for now. He is coming to visit me this coming weekend, the next weekend he and I are going to a kink party, and the one after that is his birthday and I told him I made plans.
Will there still be awkwardness? Maybe. I don't know how I'll feel when I first see him again, and if my ease and comfort level around him will have changed. I suspect it will, but then again I was wrong once already.
Either way, what I have with him is still pretty fucking awesome. I know a lot of people would be delighted to have an open minded kinky partner, a fantastic lover, and at least some level of friendship and personal intimacy.
I wish he could be the full package... but I am at least open to the possibility of being able to accept and enjoy it for what it is. I don't want to walk away- I really enjoy this relationship. It's a shame that I am time limited, because I'd like to keep him in my life and then perhaps get lucky and find a submissive who wants the same ultimate goals that I do, and then both have the desire for each other to pursue it. But, I can't really do that. I have space in my life both timewise and emotionally for one secondary relationship and that's just about it.
And for now, that's okay. I don't want to give up something that's real, that brings me so much pleasure, for a whim or a possibility. I haven't closed myself off to the possibility of running into someone who wants the same things that I do, but I have it pretty good right now.
There's still that tiny piece of my heart that reminds me it's only been two months and perhaps in the future he would be open to the possibility of being collared... but I am trying very hard to squelch it. That isn't fair to him, and it will only hurt me.
: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son