Thank you all for all your support. I did manage to survive their first encounter the other night. I curled up to watch the Olympics with some popcorn I admittedly never ate. I played on Facebook a little bit. I finally forced myself to go to sleep for a bit.
Before he left that night he was near tears saying he shouldn't go. I told him I wouldn't make that decision for him. He had to do that on his own. But he can't not go and then hide things from me later. I would rather him go, even if just to talk out what they were feeling. I would rather him figure out exactly what the hell he is wanting. If he would like a poly relationship then that is fine. But I just don't want to be lied to anymore. That is the most painful part.
He went and came home several hours later. When he got through the door I welcomed him with open arms and we talked until we both fell asleep. He told me everything that happened, without going into obvious detail that just would have added salt to the wound. He knew I was sensitive that night. I told him that given the hour I knew that more than talking had occurred. It didn't take a genius to figure out that you don't just talk for five hours. He admitted to having sex with her, as well as oral sex.
She loves him. She let me know that. She had truly fallen in love with him. Even I can tell that. She wasn't just in it for the sex. She takes care of him when I am not around to do that, and not just sexually. She makes sure he is happy and healthy. As glad as I am for that, I hate that she loves him. But I would rather he be with someone like that than a one night fling that could hurt him or us.
He doesn't know if he loves her yet. He knows there are feelings there. He tells me he loves me more and there is no possibility of that ever changing. I believe that, as hard as it is right now to do so. I do believe that. It is just so easy to question right now.
I was pretty good the day after. We had fun together. Asking questions and making comments as they came to mind. But for the most part enjoying a rare good weather day with our daughter. I even talked to her to let her know I didn't hate her. I had agreed to this as well. In fact I am the one who told him that we were officially in an open marriage so that I would not be lied to. I started it.
She and I have talked alot. I know she went through this with her husband years ago. They are still in a poly marriage. I don't know if she has fallen in love with her other lovers. I haven't asked that question yet. I do know her husband works night shifts, all night until early morning hours. Makes it easy for him to go over and comfort her.
I love him more than words can explain. I don't have the strength to leave him, I don't want the strength to leave him. I would rather have a poly marriage than ever be without him. It does get easier as the days go by. It is the quiet times that I hate. I over think things. I worry too much. That is when I question if he loves me or who he really wants or why we can't just be us anymore.
Truth is we haven't been happy with just us for a long time. It took an affair for us to realize that. And it truly hurts. But it is easing.
I am still doing well from their first night. They have already tentatively set up another night for when he gets back from his business trip. I told him that was fine and I understand. I don't know why I care about her or worry about her. I don't want to sometimes but I do.
I know I am not making sense and am just rambling at this point. Thank you for listening. And thank you for your help and words. I am sure I will post again to get through this time.