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Old 02-22-2010, 09:02 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
If my feelings are being expressed doesn't it go without saying that I want things to change? Just expressing how I feel will not solve the issue.

This is how I am feeling now. So I bite my words and I dont express myself the way I would like to. the truth is that you might not have expectations but you expect change one way or another otherwise you wouldnt bring it up.
When I'm working with my own expectations, I work hard to make sure to be realistic with it. Usually, if I'm in a situation where I'm having hard feelings over something, I usually keep my expectations to two things: I expect to be listened to and I expect my partner to consider my feelings. If my partner needs to keep things the same after considering my feelings, we talk about that. Since I know my partner makes his decisions in a way that honors my feelings, I actually find it easier to cope with the situation even if it hasn't changed.

It also works a lot easier when people work from the general assumption that everyone in the relationship should take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. So instead of saying "You guys having your relationship is making me feel left out", I would say "I'm really struggling with my feelings as you guys grow closer, and I would love some support as I figure out how to make this work for me."

I've yet to see a relationship that was saved in the long term by martyrdom.

Basically, being open with your feelings without expectation or attachment to a specific outcome prevents things from being stuck. It doesn't make things easier, it just allows things to move and grow.

I've noticed that you are very attached to this specific outcome of having a triad. You keep holding that out as an ultimate goal with everything you're doing. I don't know what's best for you, but if I was in that situation, I would honestly need to back down from that goal and set it aside. You seem to be setting it aside in practice, but not in intent. Triads rarely work if they are pre-scripted and forced into existence.
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