I have lived in limbo with my husband for 3 years. It isn't easy. The choice has been his. He decided to cross hard boundaries in our relationship. The hard boundaries are sex outside of our relationship without honesty and informing me, health at risk, pursuing his nephew's girlfriend without anyone's knowledge. I do understand living in limbo.
For me detaching did not include either of us leaving the house. What it did include is my insistence of his going to individual counseling to gain clarity. The reason we are still in limbo is that he chooses to ignore trust building agreements. Has lied to the therapist and myself.
Why do I stay? I stay because I love him. I did have a boyfriend and I did rely on him for a lot of support. We broke up a few times and are finally over. Nothing to do with my husband. My husband asked me not to pursue another relationship at this point. A month ago I told him due to his lack of commitment to therapy, I was going to date.
The detachment I was talking about was no need for a fight if you have a calendar and you go through and mark the days you expect him to be spending with Wolf and you. (such as Christmas and holidays). Getting a restraining order on Chipmunk to preclude her from causing the drama she has done while friends are around. This then takes away any choice of her coming to your residence where she has more then anything disrespected your child. She has also disrespected you.
I understand your wanting to save your relationship with Aaryn and I fully support you in doing it. I understand he wants you both, it is just hard when he is involved with a very narcistic person. I can't image someone denying a child a meal, especially the child of a lover.
I hope you work this out. I can tell you taking a bat and whaling the hell out of my bed did wonders for my frustration. I seriously wouldn't even ask questions about there relationship. Set hard boundaries as to time and phone calls and keep them.