Originally Posted by Numina
... Airyn is in love with me, and with Chipmunk and canít let go of either one of us. Choosing one over the other is a losing situation for him. I get that. If he lives with me, and cuts Chipmunk out then heís bitter, resentful, and angry over that loss. If he lives with Chipmunk (or on his own so he can see her when he wishes too) then he has that same bitter resentful anger over losing me.
I see it as very likely that staying together as things are I will get to a point where the bitterness, and resentment are greater than the love. And when that happens I wonít be just saying I've had enough any more. It will be for real. I was just talking to Airyn about that recently. Telling him that I feel like thatís where things are heading for me.
I'm sorry. I hoped for more resolution, a better outcome.
And, yes, it is infinitely easier for strangers on the internet to tell you to pull the ripcord. We don't have to live with the consequences. And we only see what you put before us. Airyn's or Chipmunk's POV would be different, as might be the responses.
But sometimes outsiders see a dynamic a bit clearer than those mired in the dynamic. (Not always of course - we are all only human.) Anneintherain posted her experience about choosing divorce when her partner couldn't or wouldn't. Look at it again. You are at a similar crossroads where you can choose a path to an eventual better outcome, or not.
There are no villains here - just people who want different things, and those things are not compatible. Everyone made mistakes, and everyone contributed to the situation. I understand your sympathy for Airyn. You've loved this man for decades, created a child with him, parent with him.
You cannot do squat all about Airyn's resentment and unhappiness.You can only manage your own thoughts and emotions as best you can.
What you can do is consider from your limited options the best one for you and Wolf, and for setting up the best possible co-parenting situation for you and Airyn. It is possible to divorce now, go through that miserable pain (Yes, I've been there although not with children which is an important difference) and come through it with some healthy relationship intact with Airyn. You have no complaints about his fathering and want him to continue being a father to Wolf. You don't want to cut off access. I do think you and he have tried to keep Wolf out of things which I applaud. If you let the rage and resentment and anger build until you feel forced to pull the plug, then you are at much greater risk of utterly destroying any possibility of a healthy relationship (co-parenting at least, maybe more). That would be devastating to all of you.
You do have choices. You do have options beyond just waiting in the same situation until you truly cannot take anymore.
Not making a decision is making a decision. Not choosing is making a choice. He has put you in the position of deciding the hard things over and over again. He, for whatever reasons, is currently incapable of making hard decisions. He is not a bad person but it does make him a bad partner FOR YOU right now. He wants you to decide for him.
So do so. If you feel this is best for you and your child, divorce. Have him move out. Or you move out. You may need to pay alimony if he is not working. Do what you have to do. You can choose to stay. But know that the window of opportunity to salvage a workable relationship with him - someone that will be in your life for the rest of your life because of your child - is closing.
Maybe being on his own will be the impetus he needs to get to figure out his co-dependency, his need to save people, his refusal to face hard decisions. Or not. Maybe being on your own is what you need to work on your own co-dependency. But what you are doing now is not working.
Let him go.