Originally Posted by nycindie
I would never date a guy who had to seek permission and approval from his wife or gf. I only want to date people who are secure in their relationships and not couple-centric.
I didn't think I would, but when I met Auto, things really clicked. Her husband has a severe anxiety disorder and part of that entails him feeling a lot of insecurity about their relationship. So to cope with that, they've agreed to a veto in regards to starting relationships. Their veto does not extend to ending relationships already in progress. Also, Auto requires her husband to come up with sound reasons to veto someone, it can't just be the result of his control issues.
When they started dating, Auto hadn't heard of polyamory. She thought of herself as a cheater because she'd never been faithful to anyone in her life. So in the interest of disclosure and honesty, she told him up front that she was probably going to cheat on him. He didn't like that, but they soon worked out for themselves that it didn't need to be "cheating" if they both knew about it. So they agreed on some guidelines that have since evolved.
I wouldn't describe them as "couple-centric," but rather family-centric. They place a lot of importance on their children and their family. Part of that means prioritizing family things over outside-romantic things, and that in turn entails making sure they take care of their marriage.
Some people cling to ideas just because they can't be bothered to learn and grow. But the more I interact with people with mental illness, the more I realize that some circumstances that are less than ideal are also unavoidable. Having diagnosed anxiety disorder is not the same as "I don't want to deal with my insecurity." That was, admittedly, difficult for me to accept at first. Auto's husband knows better than anyone how he's "supposed" to react and think and behave. And if he could just flick the switch and make it so, believe me he would. But there's only so much you can accomplish even with medication and therapy, and so I can choose to just walk away and not deal with it, but then I would lose Auto. So I deal with it.