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Old 02-22-2010, 07:04 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 105

Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Not being involved in their relationship isn't the same as not being authentic with your feelings. You *do* have a relationship with your wife and that doesn't disappear in this dynamic.
I have brought this up before with just my wife. She took it as I was trying to rush them. She accused me of being unable to deal with them being involved without me when in reality I was just stating that I though that because they are both very passive and I am "thoughtfully aggressive" That I thought it might be a good idea to include me in the relationship as I could help them get over there passive struggles. Also telling her that I wouldn't take it the wrong way if they wanted to tell me I was moving too fast if I was involved giving them a since of ease knowing that they could still move at a comfortable pace.

Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I would suggest a couple of things. First it's very difficult to commit to *feeling* a specific way. You can't really say "I promise to be happy". You can say "I promise that I'll deal with any feelings that come up in "x" way"

If it were me, I'd say something like "I promise to honor your relationship and give you as much space as I can. If difficult feelings arise in this, I promise to deal with them as best I can, but I might need support from you as I do this. I also hope in this promise that you will honor my feelings and offer me space to communicate my feelings and support as I deal with them."

Second, I would *never* make a promise that involves asking anyone in a relationship to sit on, bottle up or otherwise not communicate their feelings. I've never seen good come from setting an expectation that someone suppress their feelings in a relationship.

Just my two cents there.
I really like the way you put this. This is exactly how I feel.

I am overly concerned that I will bring things up and they will decide to include me on the basis that I am consistently having issues instead of just wanting to include me because they are ready.
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