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Old 02-22-2010, 06:07 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I committed that I was OK with them dating without me. I agreed to letting them work on building their relationship without my involvement physically and emotionally. Now I have to be coy about my feelings and not bring any light on my longing to be involved. I told them I could handle it for the greater good. Its getting harder and harder each day.
Not being involved in their relationship isn't the same as not being authentic with your feelings. You *do* have a relationship with your wife and that doesn't disappear in this dynamic.

I would suggest a couple of things. First it's very difficult to commit to *feeling* a specific way. You can't really say "I promise to be happy". You can say "I promise that I'll deal with any feelings that come up in "x" way"

If it were me, I'd say something like "I promise to honor your relationship and give you as much space as I can. If difficult feelings arise in this, I promise to deal with them as best I can, but I might need support from you as I do this. I also hope in this promise that you will honor my feelings and offer me space to communicate my feelings and support as I deal with them."

Second, I would *never* make a promise that involves asking anyone in a relationship to sit on, bottle up or otherwise not communicate their feelings. I've never seen good come from setting an expectation that someone suppress their feelings in a relationship.

Just my two cents there.
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