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Old 02-22-2010, 03:23 PM
PeterD PeterD is offline
New Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Seattle
Posts: 3
Default what did you do?

I am new to the forum too... i can very honestly say i have never actually joined any 'forum' and i don't really know where to begin. it would be safe to say i have had poly morals and philosophies my entire life. i have seen it be very fruitful and also seen it be torturous. My parents were, for a long time, part of a group of "intentional relationships", so i learned very young that relationships were not all the same. i also learned very young that this relationship style isn't "normal".

I have been in mostly monogamous relationships my whole life, but i have always expressed my interest in and appreciation for polyamory. When my husband and i got serious, i made sure my views on the topic were clear. "Some day, we may decide to explore this, and i want to make sure you are open to that"... And he was.

Some Day came early last year. Honestly, he was more into it that i was. i was the one that began feeling jealous, before anything ever even happened. i felt a bit needy and childish around it, wondering if perhaps i really wasn't "ready". whatever that means. so we continued to talk a lot about it. We are very good communicators, which is very fortunate for us - we can talk about anything and everything very objectively. we recognize almost immediately if we are being carried away by our emotions and we allow ourselves room to be expressive, while we acknowledge where we are.

While i expected to have to go through a 'grieving period' (?) of sorts when hubby started experimenting, it actually ended up being me first. Once i began seeing somebody outside our relationship, hubby and i continued to talk about it regularly. it has been a roller coaster, though. hubby is having trouble with jealousy - not jealous of the other man, but rather jealous that he hasn't been with anyone yet. he has dated several women, but most the time he (he has high standards) decides not to bring it any further.

it has gotten to a point with my other sweetie that the relationship demands an amount of respect. When hubby last got jealous, i left sweetie's house earlier than we planned so i could go home and talk it out. after that i realized i wanted to make some basic ground rules. it didn't feel right to me - i felt like the time and space that sweetie and i had created for eachother was being robbed... and it has happened before.

pattern has become that i talk it out with hubby and it is fine. but i don't want to feel like he can just walk on the time i create with my sweetie. not that he is intentionally disrespecting it; he is insecure and jealous and doesn't know how else to deal with it. but only for that moment. through all of our communication this is the relationship he wants, it just hasn't actually "worked" for him "yet". so it is hard for him to see it working for me.

we are still on a great level as far as communication goes, but he has made a request; that i not sleep with sweetie until he finds a relastionship of his own, so that he doesn't have to be jealous. While sex is not a huge thing for me, and i could do that if i chose to, i am concerned at the idea of conditioning each others relationships... i don't know if i am okay with that... if we are in this relationship, absolutely we need to respect each other and communicate and make choices that are best for everyone. but would we, by allowing ourselves to blatantly rule the others relationship through jealousy, are we creating a pattern we will regret? or should it be seen differently? my first response was "yes, but we only do this once, i don't want it to become a habit" but then we came up with questions like "so if you have sex with somebody can i go back to having sex with sweetie?" or "so what does "a relationship mean" and "how do we judge when YOU feel like YOU have a relationship so that I can resume MINE"... and it just felt worse and worse. So i made the final suggestion that we see what others have done, because surely, somebody else has been in this or a similar position.

that is all the hesitance i have based only on my marriage, not to un-include or make any less important my relationship with sweetie. if i were in his shoes i would feel pretty low if i were told "i can't go to bed with you again until Husband feels "secure" in his own relationship...." no, i can't do that.

my hubby wants this relationship. and coming across the definitions and philosophy of polyamory have helped us define where we are, and it rings well for both of us. so we are trying to make it work. biggest problem: Hubby doesn't have a sweetie. He's a very good looking man, and has a lot of depth, he's just MEGA shy. and insecure. when we have discussions about this he is totally fine, but although occasional, and in the moment, when jealousy strikes, it strikes HARD. it is very very hard on both of us. i definitely take the caretaking role in these situations (another thing we both recognize), and he the needy child-like role.

anyway the main question is -
Do i act on my relationships based on hubby's emotional and relationships state? and would it even "cure" his jealousy anyways? What tools have others found to dissolve jealousy?
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