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Old 02-21-2010, 03:32 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by sweetmama View Post
Generally it has been the times that my bf hooks up with someone outside the group, or someone I don't know of, that I get most uncomfortable. Partly, as you point out, because bringing in someone new ups the level of risk. But also, because for me at least, the more info I have the better I feel. When I know the person, or at least know of them and have some background on the connection/dynamic involved I tend to feel much better.
This is an important point. One I take for granted but it made me stop and think how much this may be understood and discussed across the board in all relationships ? It's connected to basic safety/survival mechanisms. And it made me wonder how much weight this fundamental human trait is given when trying to navigate multiple relationships. It's ONE thing to trust a current partner's judgement in relation to yourself - quite another to make the leap of trusting them to weigh out various concerns you might have with a 3rd party who you have no knowledge of.

This is a bridge we crossed long ago so as I say it's kind of taken for granted here. We both acknowledge that the other needs to have some space and time with a 3rd person before we can have any consensus on whether we all feel the required safety. Everyone has abilities to pick up (read) different cues and we make a point to sit down and discuss each persons perceptions and proceed accordingly.

But I wonder if everyone does something similar ? I can see the potential conflict there in those who are prone to need a high level of 'independence' and 'blind trust'. I wonder if this causes unnecessary conflict & discomfort.

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