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Old 09-05-2013, 09:23 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,357

I'm not trying to hurt you. I am presenting you with a difference of opinion and I am not congratulating or coddling your feelings. If that is unpleasant for you and you want to make sure to insulate yourself from opinions other than your own, "ignore" me as a user and my posts won't show up on the threads you read.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I will not be made to feel shameful to want to preserve a relationship that has brought a lot of joy and love and stability into both of our lives. I am not a harpy. I am not insensitive. I am very easy to live with. I'm not some two-headed monster that is selfish and self-serving.
*shrug* So don't feel ashamed and don't attribute any of those nasty names to yourself. No one here is putting that on you; you're doing that to yourself.

Take some responsibility for your feelings.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
You know, there is a cardinal rule in opening a relationship to move at the pace of the one struggling.
That is one school of thought, yes. It is built on a barn full of assumptions which don't make any sense... but yes, many people still insist on living by that rule.

You choose to live by that rule, that's your call. It doesn't sound like your husband agrees with you, which is his call.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
As far as not being concerned with what he gets out of! I do have the right to hope that he feels some relief and that he has a positive outcome from it that will help him down the road whether that is with me or not. I have the RIGHT to want good things for him.
Sure you do, and I said that explicitly. THEN I added that you should focus on YOU because you can't fix him but you can work on YOU.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I have been trying to separate the love from dependency. I have stepped back from the D/s as it has totally messed up my autonomy. I put myself through all sorts of hell learning to be less independent, more compliant, more accepting of someone else controlling my life, just to be cut loose with no interest in my well-being.
I didn't realize this was a D/s situation.

That method of relating to another human being couldn't be more antithetical to how I believe we should treat each other. It seems to breed this kind of obsessive dependency.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
In things that have come up she's questioned if something happened during his teens to have emotionally stunted him in that period of his life.
There is a universe wide crevasse between a good therapist and all other therapists. One fool proof way to discover if yours is the good one or one of the sea of shitty ones is this question:

Do they focus on how to work on your issues? Always bringing the topic back to your part in the situation? Always focusing on improving your outlook and actions? Or do they help you point out the flaws in other people and your surrounding?

A good therapist is not there to help you vilify the people you are having difficulty dealing with. There job is not to tell you how awesome you are and how "stunted" your partner is. That is what we call a "yes man", not a therapist. Any baboon can be a yes-man for you and you don't need to pay them.

I suggest you dump that therapist with a quickness and get someone who will help you deal with *you*.
Me: male, 40, straight, single
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