View Single Post
  #9  
Old 09-05-2013, 08:26 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145
Default Hold on, please

I understand you feel defensive, but these people are trying to help you. Your tone in the post, granted that's not you, that's just a specific instance of yourself, comes across as very dependent, nervous, insecure. Please understand that. No one here knows the details, they just know a bit of what you share.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
End of July/early August Twitch went to see Shasti that I had a total panic attack. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life. I needed him and he wouldn't pick up his phone. I had no idea how to reach him. I didn't know her address, her contact information, and evidently his phone was not on or wasn't close enough for him to hear. The next day when he finally called me he just didn't get that I needed him to come home. I needed him desperately. He didn't come. My trust was shattered.
Again, shattered? Not knowing what was going on, not knowing his side, it could have played like this (from his perspective). He leaves for the first time, or the first time where's he's gone overnight, or any significant amount of time. He gets panicked voicemails, calls, texts from you...and feels pressured and guilted and wants to avoid you. Your "trust" is broken, and he comes back and is made to feel guilty for something you both said was okay at the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I asked him to take a break from seeing her to give me time. Our wedding was just around the corner (10/12) and there was so much stress from that alone on top of all of the other life stress (youngest child left for college, dealing with loneliness, fiance's attention elsewhere, fiance gone for work majority of work week, off to gf's in two day stints several times a month.) I just wanted to feel loved and secure going into this marriage/wedding. He wouldn't do it. He didn't see the point and how it could change anything.
Regardless of the situation, taking a "break" may seem impossible to someone who loves more than one person. How do you stop seeing them, stop being involved with them? He may not have understood how to accommodate your request, despite loving you fully. If he couldn't figure out how to vocalize that complexity, he may have simply said, "No," as a sort of defensive measure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
This year has been the hardest year of my life. Every visit he makes to Shasti is a stab to my soul. Sometimes I deal with it very well, sometimes not so well. Having it on the calendar in advance helps.
If it's truly that painful to you, he surely sees that. But instead of bringing him back to you, your insecurity is likely pushing him away. What he probably wants is to love both of you; the worse you make him feel about himself, and the worse you "punish" him, however you may or may not do so, the more that will drive him to her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
In May, I was finally to the point where I thought everything would be right again. I was to the point where I could accept that he meant it just as much when he told me he loved me as when he told Shasti he loved her. That I was doing him (and me) a disservice when internally I added qualifiers to what he was saying. That if he could tell me once again the message he was telling me the previous fall, that he was happy I was his wife, that I was his chosen one, that he loved me...that I could take it in and believe his words and still the fears. I was at the point where I could feel secure in things again. He told me he couldn't do that. That his feelings for me had changed. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore. That was on my birthday.
Again, you're asking him to say you're his one and only, his "chosen," etc, and if he feels strongly about this other woman, he may not feel he can honestly tell you what you really want to hear.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
This has been a summer of trying to learn how to live without being loved. How to be okay with going it alone. Of letting go, or rather attempting to let go. I love him so much and this just flays me to the core.
Learning to live without being loved? You've shown nothing here that "proves" he doesn't love you; only that he can no longer love JUST you. Asking him to take a break from her WILL cause resentment, and why do you need that? Part of being poly is understanding that each individual relationship btw people (you and her, him and you, him and her) needs to feel secure in itself. Problems with feeling that you have "enough" love and time can be spurred by a partner spending time at work, at a hobby, with outside friends....this relationship just happens to have a romantic aspect to it.

I'd say, if you truly don't feel poly works for you, a monogamous relationship may be better (clearly your husband is poly, or he would simply have left you for her, but he's trying very hard to make his relationship with you work, going to counseling, for example). If this relationship has brought you the happiness you say it has, working on it may be worth it.

But don't think a temporary break from his other love will help anything. Going at the pace of the slowest is one thing....but Shasti is a real person with actual feelings. You can't ask him to discard that, no matter for how short a time.

Why don't you try getting to know her?

Last edited by Flowerchild; 09-05-2013 at 08:30 PM.
Reply With Quote