Thanks for the feedback. I can see where a break might not work well at all, so thank you for that. dingedheart, you're points were very helpful.
I do feel quite defensive about some of the comments people have posted. Things were discussed as we went. There were many instances of him not honoring agreements/boundaries, not that we have many boundaries.
I will not be made to feel shameful to want to preserve a relationship that has brought a lot of joy and love and stability into both of our lives. I am not a harpy. I am not insensitive. I am very easy to live with. I'm not some two-headed monster that is selfish and self-serving.
You know, there is a cardinal rule in opening a relationship to move at the pace of the one struggling. Until I had that panic attack, I'd NEVER experienced anything like it. I'd never gone down that road. At time, asking him to pause things for six weeks until we were past the stress of our upcoming wedding was NOT an unreasonable thing to ask. We were so busy trying to get everything done that him being gone was a real burden on me. Not pausing things was incredibly harmful in that my trust was broken. I no longer believed he'd be there for me if I needed him. That what was supposed to be a primary relationship wasn't actually primary.
As far as not being concerned with what he gets out of therapy...wtf! I do have the right to hope that he feels some relief and that he has a positive outcome from it that will help him down the road whether that is with me or not. I have the RIGHT to want good things for him.
I have been trying to separate the love from dependency. I have stepped back from the D/s as it has totally messed up my autonomy. I put myself through all sorts of hell learning to be less independent, more compliant, more accepting of someone else controlling my life, just to be cut loose with no interest in my well-being.
Petunia: 51 year old, straight, cisgender female
Bond: 46 year old straight cisgender male, Primary Partner
B: Bond and Petunia's 39 year old girlfriend
Bea: Bond's 39 year old cisgender girlfriend
M: Bond's 45 year old cisgender bisexual ex-girlfriend
Golden: 41 year old male, ex-boyfriend
Twitch: 45 year old straight cisgender male, ex-husband, father to Shasti's son
Shasti: Twitch's 45 year old straight cisgender girlfriend, mother of Twitch's son