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Old 09-05-2013, 05:58 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
Opinions? Breaks can be useful? Breaks don't really work? A break at this point in time would/wouldn't work?
I do think that a break from relationships can be healthy. However, I think the relationship with the problem is the one that needs a break.

Which one of these concepts makes more sense:

"This kind of sucks, I am going to stop doing it for a while"
"This kind of sucks, I am going to stop doing other things that I enjoy"

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
evidently his phone was not on or wasn't close enough for him to hear. The next day when he finally called me he just didn't get that I needed him to come home. I needed him desperately. He didn't come. My trust was shattered.
He was probably having a good time and didn't want to answer the phone.

What trust was shattered? I mean, did you "trust" that he would always drop what he was doing (no matter how awesome it was) to come coddle your panic attack? Do you have panic attacks often and has he proven in the past that he finds them to be his utmost priority?

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I just wanted to feel loved and secure going into this marriage/wedding. He wouldn't do it. He didn't see the point and how it could change anything.
I think he made the right call. These issues you are listing are all your responsibility and there isn't much he could do about it. Your security is determined by you, not by the illusion of commitment brought on by a marriage contract, a coddling partner, an obedient partner, or anything but *you*. If you don't feel good enough or important enough that is something you need to work on.

It sounds like you are in therapy, which is good.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
This has been a summer of trying to learn how to live without being loved. How to be okay with going it alone. Of letting go, or rather attempting to let go. I love him so much and this just flays me to the core.
Love and dependency tend to look a lot alike. What you are describing is more of an obsessive dependency than anything resembling love. Putting this much pressure on someone isn't a very loving thing to do; it makes sense that he needs some time off.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I am hopeful that he finds via therapy that he isn't always the one in the wrong and that he learns why he feels so threatened by things and flees rather than tackle the situation. Whether we survive this or not, these are things that will affect his relationships until he develops better tools.
It's good to hope for the best for someone we care for. However, you've got your own therapy to deal with so I wouldn't worry so much about his progress. Focus on dealing with your own issues; I'm sure he can handle his own.

Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
But I'm not sure if it's possible seeing as he is now head over heels in love with Shasti. The two of them click very well, as you'd expect when NRE is in full bloom.
There is no way that his "pausing" his relationship with Shasti will do anything but breed seething resentment for you. I hope that you decide to drop that thought process entirely and get on with dealing with your own shit.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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