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Old 09-05-2013, 04:00 PM
herstory herstory is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 26
Red face Thank you.

Thank you for the feedback and questions.

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
I do have a couple of questions before any advice.

1) If they had gotten tested and didn't have any STD/STIs why would he still need to use a condom? If you were concerned about sexual health if that part is already known to not be an issue why should condoms be needed?

2) If you were concerned about your sexual health why not, instead of telling him he needs to use a condom with other partners, decide that you and him would use condoms?
1) Because condoms cannot protect from all sti's. Some people test in the window where sti's are still developing. Some people have multiple partners who also aren't using protection or getting tested.

2) Again because condoms do not protect from all sti's. They help reduce chance of infections. Not all infections happen on the area covered by a condom. Also, he broke my trust. I don't usually have sex with people I don't trust.

It has been a couple of weeks since this happened so I am ready to start thinking about forgiving him. I appreciate you asking me the above questions. It helped me figure out some things.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Are you upset because he's putting your health at risk or because he's not doing what he's told?
I asked him to use condoms and make sure other people he has sex with are tested. He tests regularly. He made it seem like he was in favor of the decision. It's something we both did for each other. I don't feel like I initially told him what to do. After the first incident, I told him that is what I was most upset about and for him to please use protection in the future.

In the beginning of our FWB situation he had an unprotected one night stand with someone who had herpes. It was a big deal for us. We didn't have sex for about 4 months.

Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Do you know if she went and got tested before they had unprotected sex?
No she was not tested. She told him she was clean. He believed her. Too risky for me. Especially since she was in a "monogamous" marriage that is falling apart (they now split up).

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I think I get it.

He dinged you once -- that is one thing.

Him dinging you again thoughtlessly? Him thinking of your well being later as an afterthought rather than a forethought doesn't feel good. And his response seems like 'Well, at least I thought of you at all" -- that doesn't feel good either.

You seem to prefer your lovers to consider you and think of your well being more intentionally, as forethought. So you have decided to let him go as a lover because he keeps dinging you. Understandable.

Now you need help forgiving so you can move on.

Perhaps it could help to remember the "forgiveness process" (at least to me) is several parts.

1) Ask him to apologize for dinging you. That would be good.

2) Then forgive. Even if he doesn't apologize. It's better for YOUR mental health not to have to carry that around. That's step two. It is more for YOU than for him. You could think "I'm going to forgive you. On Sunday. I don't have to love it, but I'm going to, for my OWN well being. Between here and there I'm going to think all kinds of GRR at you and on Sunday I'm going to forgive you and let it go." Because to forgive is basically a decision one makes. Then over time it feels better to have made it.

3) Giving opportunity to make amends at this time and dial it down to friends? That won't be given here right now.
That would be nice for HIM, but you don't want to be left open to new dings at this time.

Maybe knowing you don't HAVE to do part 3 right away helps you be able to forgive? Maybe in time you will consider giving opportunity to make ammends and return to a friendship in right relationship. Maybe not.

But for right now maybe you want to give yourself permission to hold off on that? Could that help? Taking it in micro-stages?

Yes, yes, yes, THANK YOU!

He has apologized for hurting me. He's a nice guy just not very intentionally thoughtful in this situation. I really appreciate the feedback.
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