Originally Posted by kdt26417
There's probably no need for your daughter to "make peace" with Si, but perhaps she could try on the idea that sometimes three-parent set-ups might work for *other* people. This way she doesn't have to change her own preferences for herself, but she can still be tolerant of other people's life choices. One thing that might help is for her to realize that the set-up with Si wasn't done the best way -- most importantly, that there wasn't consent all around (Matt didn't consent to the arrangement, even if he didn't put up a fight at first). Of course there is also the factor that it looks like Si wanted to "take over" eventually, perhaps even scoot Matt out of the picture.
Ultimately, your daughter will have to come to her own conclusions about what the people around her say.
I agree. I am tuning our therapist's advice out. There is no need to disrupt her new normal and stability.
She understands that it works for other people, but she is dead set on the fact that she should never have had a third parent; namely a second mother. Something about it is abnormal to her. I am trying not to push her to talk to me. I would prefer that she come to me and talk to me when she is comfortable. She asked why she had another mum, and I gave her the reasons like for support, someone to love her with all of their heart, someone to care for her, etc. She just asked, "Okay, but why did I have to call her mummy? Is it because you loved her like you love daddy, and I was supposed to treat her like you and daddy?" Nanny J and a list of other strong female presences in her life were listed, and she brought up the fact that she did not have to refer to them in the same way, despite them providing the same things Si provided. She made one hell of a case. What she said stuck with me, "I call you mummy because you're special in here (pointed to her heart). No one else can be my mummy, and I only needed one." Kind of hard to argue with that and find fault in that argument.
The joys of parenting a child with maturity and wisdom beyond her years. I think I dodged troubled waters in the future because my little ray of sunshine would have told my ex that they needed to talk, and she would have politely informed her that changes would have to occur.