Here's how it reads to me:
- Nudge and I have been dating since somewhere around the begining of the year, we are both married and currently not dating anyone else.
- At this time, Nudge wants to continue to date other people. He is not willing to close.
- At some later time down the road, Nudge said could be open to considering closing.
- At this time, I feel we both have precious little time as it is (together.)
- At this time, I don't want to have to think about sharing that time with other people he might date in future.
- At this time, I would like to close the relationship and for Nudge and I to stop dating other people.
SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair.
To who? Each of you wants what you want at this time.
That they are not the matching, same wants? That is neither fair or unfair. That is "not matching, same wants at this time."
Could not get bogged down in evaluation of "fairness" or "unfairness."
You seem have talked it over and he's given you his response. At this time he wants to continue to date other people. At this time he is not willing to close. At some later time, he might be.
You find you still have unmet need. So asking to Close wasn't really IT was it?
if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...what I could try to do to be OK with him dating, cause really right now it just makes me feel awful.
Sounds like "fear of scarcity" talk like "I am afraid there will be no time left for me!"
I'd like to point out you could agree to Close and not date anyone else. Then he goes bowling every night... and you still have no guaranteed time with him.
Could focus better on your need, and then what you would like to change to help meet the need, and make the request.
I don't know if those could help you.
You need seems to be "I need to feel safe. I need to know this relationship matters to both of us."
The behavior you want from him to meet the need? Maybe you want him to set time aside guaranteed for you. To demonstrate his commitment to help maintain your shared relationship even while he dates others because your safety and your shared relationship matters to him? Seems easier to ask for that.
"Could you be willing to guarantee me a date (every week/month/whatever pattern) for the next X months? To demonstrate your commitment to help maintain our shared relationship even while you date others? So I could feel safe and secure in our own relationship and not be afraid to share your time with other people you date on other days? Because my well being and our shared relationship matter to you?"
Could see if he is willing to do that or not. Go from there.