she says she wants everyone together with everyone. More triangular. Where she and I can be alone, or all three of us together, or the husband and I can be alone.
So she is WILLING.
But the problems arise when all three of us are together when she feels she isnt included all the time. Or if we are focused on something else or not checking in with her, or going and doing what she wants, (the going to bed example.)
So in the (you + her + him) layer, she is not yet ABLE at this time.
Is she willing to do the work to BECOME able? Could you ask her "How do you see yourself getting through this?"
Is it her own thinking behavior causing the yucky feelings? Then she could work in intrapersonal skills. Or is it her interpersonal skills? Or both?
What kind of support /feedback does she need from him, you, him + you to BECOME more able to handle it? What stops her/blocks her from being able to handle it? Have these things been indentified?
Does she need her awareness lifted up? "Hey, you seem like you are getting weird again... are you aware of that?"
Does she need her behavior mirrored back to her? "When you do this ____ it comes across as this ______. Do this instead _____. "
Does she need encouragement along the way? "I really appreciated that you did _____. That was great."
You pretty much have to decide your OWN "willing/able" first though after assessing how long you think this might take based on her self assessment and effort on a "trial run" I suppose.
If a trial run looks like progressing ok... but it seems to need like a month to complete? Are you willing to work through this patch and hope for improved skills within her? Are you able to do what is needed, help make a plan, and help hold her accountable to the plan?
If it seems like a year? Does that change it? Where is YOUR limit of tolerance?
Maybe you want to look at conflict resolution styles?
Maybe that could help?
Hang in there -- whatever you decide in your negotiations. No relationship is conflict free. But to me it is pretty much one of the compatablitiy litmus tests to see HOW people handle conflict resolution within a relationship. I don't want to be in one where it's drama wackies over every little thing. That grows tiresome.