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Old 09-04-2013, 03:49 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

Downplaying for comfort ....when does it become inauthentic much downplaying makes it fake ? Downplaying this ...shading that ...massaging here, caressing there for what ? To cover the extent of the truth and keep him from bolting. ? It almost seems like management. You're trying to manage input to manage reaction and fallout.
Yes, probably true. I am doing that. Protecting his feelings, protecting my own heart from pain as well. One of the things that I am finding so challenging with him is "telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." When we (as a society) as so used to telling white lies, protecting feelings, and being nice (No, honey, that dress does NOT make you look heavier.), it is hard to learn to be honest. I am so much better than I used to be. But, still hard when it is a cold, hard truth that has consequences.
In those situations I always think what would I want to know ...would I want someone to sugar coat it to spare my feelings or hit me straight. Does he want the cold hard truth ?

Also another interesting thing happens when cold hard truth is routinely practiced ...certain questions or topics are avoided because of the same thing don't want to say something out loud and he or she definitely doesn't want to hear it.

It's not love styles's definitions of romantic love ...not even sex. If your not "in love " with 2 people at the same time ...what then. You said you identify as poly. You certainly are living some sort of poly dynamic ...but the acid test for me is being "in love " with 2 or more. 2 highly passionate romantic relationship happening at the same time. Not old companion and hot lover.
Well, "old lover" is subjective too. I am sure there are plenty of people on here who have old lovers or partners they have been with for long periods of time that they have a certain level of comfort with, but may not feel that NRE feeling with. I do not think I would do well to have two new relationships going on with two NRE's. I think my head would explode. I am much more comfortable with having an established relationship as a basis and then a newer one to explore.
So NRE = " in love "

Does this apply to only sex ? If you mess around in the car you husband pays for (helps pay for ) ...or text on a phone thats covered by family plan to whose benefit does that go?
I dont see the correlation. My car. My phone. The idea that my husband would have a say about what happens in my car seems silly. He might have a say in what happens in relation to our relationship, but not about inanimate objects. Unless of course, we left a mess behind for him or the kids to find. Otherwise, I feel that is a nonissue.
Bad examples maybe ... but I was thinking of it in the simple terms of why should someone benefit from the act or gift of someone else.

On a side note what did the therapist say on telling your daughter ?
That keeping secrets in a family takes its toll. Better to let her know something is going on, so she doesn't imagine what is happening. To remember that there are categories of information, public or family, private and confidential. Family is anything we can discuss openly, private would be things we choose to share or not share based on whether it is appropriate for her to know (such as who am I having sex with, that would be private information), and confidential is things we are not at liberty to discuss (because it is harmful to another, the information belongs to another, or it just not relevant to her at all). We will be doing that this week with her.

I see a couple of intersecting rings on family and private. And in this situation they run together.....there at the heart of the issue. Even with out explicitly saying we plan to have a "full on " romantic relationship which will include sex ...a lot of great sex we hope ...isn't it implied. And refusal to answer on the grounds of privacy is simliar to an admission
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