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Old 02-20-2010, 07:02 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default I Don't Know If I Can Do This

I guess first I should say that I am not the one in my marriage that has a significant other outside. It is my husband and it just all started coming out and happening in the past week. Now here I sit typing and looking for help on how to deal with my emotional rollacoaster.

Let me start with the background and how this came to be.

My husband has this woman at work. He was really good friends with her. I was insanely jealous that he was this close to another woman. He talked about her constantly. She and I finally met and became friends ourselves. I was still a bit jealous but came to really like her over the past couple of months. This woman is married in an open relationship of her own. They have four wonderful children. So she and her husband have had this lifestyle for years. I understood that from the beginning. But I also believed both her and my husband that there was nothing going on between them that they weren't telling me about.
As time passed the three of us decided we wanted to give a threesome a try. My husband and I had tried in the past but to no success. The first time was so new and hard to see another woman with my husband that I was very depressed. The second time the woman stalked him until I had to step in and put a stop to it.
This woman is different from the others. Enough that we did this a couple of times. It was very hard for me after so many failures. But I trusted her to be honest. Then about a week ago my world fell apart. One of the rules we had was that it stayed between the three of us. No lies, no leaving me out, the wife. They broke those rules and lied and lied about it. When I found out I was devastated.
A week ago they met after work in my husbands truck and had oral sex. And continued to have text sex throughout the week, making plans for future get togethers without me. My baby happen to turn on his phone one day. As I took it out of her hand so she wouldn't break it I found that someone was named Kitten in his text messages. Suspicion immediately arose in my chest. He had given her a nickname apparently during this week.
I read these text and felt myself going to pieces. I confronted him about them. He didn't lie at that point. He knew he had been caught. We went through a week of misery. I confronted her and got the usual apologies.
In the end of alot of talking and hurting and crying and a little more lying and getting caught in those lies I knew what I had to do. I had to give him this polyamory relationship if I wanted to save our marriage. I knew it was something he needed. He felt an emptiness I couldn't fulfill. And that kills me.
This other woman, oddly enough, has talked with me and helped me through alot of it. She admits that she did fall in love with him. I fear he loves her too. I agreed to share his body. I know he has feelings for her. I don't think he knows yet if he loves her.
Tonight is the first night they are getting together with my knowledge. And it is killing me. But I know I need to be ok with this. If I am not then they will do it with lying and I could loose him because I can't let him go out and do what he needs to. I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to accept this yet but I want to.
Oddly enough again, once I accepted that this is the way it needed to be our marriage skyrocketed to happiness. We realized it has actually been years since we were happy but were too blind and wrapped up in our daily lives to realize how far we had come from romance and each other. Another reason I need to accept this. I had to forgive her so he could be happy with her. Sometimes that is pretend. I hope if I pretend enough it will be true. Right now I am going through so many ups and downs. I feel so unattractive, unwanted, uncared about.

Is it ok that I am forcing my happiness about this right now? Does it ever go away? Will I ever be really ok that we have chosen this lifestyle? I guess I feel a little falling apart and I could use some in sight from those who know more about this lifestyle choice. Thank you.
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