Thank you for more details. I will revise my summary then. Again, I could be wrong...but this is how it reads to me now.
- Your GF discovered her other BF has been lying/cheating on her and his other GF.
- He lied to your shared GF about being in an honest polyship.
- He lied to his other GF (that you do not share) and that GF believed she was participating in a monoship. To add insult to injury, this other GF who your shared GF originally tried to be friendly toward is being mean to her.
- Your GF is now upset. She is flipflopping between breaking it off with him and still hanging on.
- You grow tired of the drama.
- You say you respect the guy, but you also say you are tired of having to clean up after his messes when time and again he fails to follow through on things with GF and she winds up upset. (You could stop respecting him. You could ask GF not to continue to put herself in a position where BF could ding her again. )
- Because your GF is emotionally exhausted from his shenanigans and her lack of willing to just end it at this time... she is not available to tend to (you + her) issues. You grow tired of that too -- you walk on eggshells at home and feel neglected.
this is my first poly relationship. im trying to learn as i go, but i am starting to think i have a bad example to learn from.
This is not ethical honest polyshipping. This is your GF mixed up with a lying, cheating dude.
My suggestions remain largely the same as above with only a few additional suggestions:
- You could ask your GF if she is willing to break up with this guy NOW for her own best healths. Or at least take a break from seeing him for a month so she can get a handle on her upset and not be triggered constantly each day.
- You could tell her maybe they could work it out later down and get back together THEN. (Anything is possible. Probable is another story.) But that maybe a break from seeing each other NOW could help her have some peace rather than chronic upset like this. It is not healthy. Would she like to have peace? Sometimes it is hard for people who are impaired to think straight. Stepping stone it over some relief by suggesting temporary break? Then she could give herself a chance to make additional choices from a cooler headspace rather than from an upset place.
- You could tell the guy he is not welcome to drop by at your home. It's your house too. He can meet your GF elsewhere if they want to meet. You could make your GF aware of your intention to do this so that your shared home is safe from BF just showing up whenever like nothing happened to trigger her some more. Home could be a safe haven for both of you.
- You could tell your partner about your OWN emotional state -- in her upset, (you + her) things are going neglected.
- If you are at your limit or beyond limit, you could make your GF aware. Could ask her if she is willing/able to pay attention and be present in the (you + her) tier at this time. If not and you are over this? Could tell her you want to talk about breaking up with her yourself. The timing is horrible, but if it is never ending suckage here you could get YOU out of the line of fire. If she's hell bent on sinking, you don't have to drown too.
I am sorry you are all experiencing this.
But it's basically do behaviors to move it forward or do behaviors that go on keeping it in the stuck. I suggest taking steps to move it forward.
Hang in there.