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Old 09-03-2013, 09:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,274

However her personality is what pushed me away because I lacked what she could not give me. Affection, Sex, Acknowledgment that I exist.
She's responsible alone for the health of the marriage?

You could consider reframing so you take some emotional responsibility for yourself. Maybe something like...

"Our marriage had problems.
  • She was not willing to do behavior toward me that demonstrated affection like I wanted at that time.
  • She was not willing to have sex like I wanted at that time.
  • She was not willing to acknowledgement that I exist like I wanted at that time.

I chose to disengage.
I chose to get my needs met elsewhere. I fell in love with SO."

Could keep in on behavior done/not done by her and behavior done/not done by you that fail to meet the needs of THE MARRIAGE for the marriage to be healthy. Rather making it be about personalities or your individual needs.

Nothing you list has anything to do with introverted/extroverted stuff as presented.

I note you do not list what behavior you DID try to arrive at new agreements so she could become more willing to meet your needs before choosing to disengage. What behaviors were they?

And was this polyship begun from an affair? You don't seem to say. That could pose some extra problem layers if so.

I believe the primary relationship should be healthy before entering into a poly relationship.
Yep. But you are not beginning a polyship. You are IN one already.

and its just been back and forth. Good sometimes, bad other times.
That sounds like the ups and downs of living. Happens in any relationship shape.

Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!
This sounds like conflict resolution styles not lining up.

And what example conflicts could you give? Where in the communication does the break down seem to happen when conflict arises?

Is it a communication problem on the sender? The introverts do not "broadcast" their wants, needs, and limits clearly?

Is it a problem on the receiver? The introverts ARE broadcasting, but at low volume, so the extroverts have to learn to "tune in" to their channel better?

Is it BOTH things? Something else adding to the problems? Unknown/unrealistic expectations?

What communication METHOD is employed? Only oral communication? Could it be a problem with the METHOD? Email, text, or long hand notes better for the visual learners? Audio phone, in person oral better for the audio learners?

Because to me it seems to be more about communication issues than anything else. Do each of you understand your polymath -- that each polyship is made up of smaller "mini relationships" inside it? And that what happens in one, can be felt in another layer?

This is a problem for me. I am often caught between my wife and my OSO. My get pissed. I am forced to upset one.
You could encourage them to talk to each other and sort their issues with each other without a go-between (you.)

What do you mean you are "forced to upset one?" Could you give an example? Are you not willing to say "I am not willing to be the go-between. I encourage you to talk to ___ directly instead."

My goal is to be together and thrive! However I feel like we are just surviving …..very good way to put it.
Your goal for WHO? You and wife in the marriage? Or all 4 in the polyship?

And do all the other players share the same goal? The desire to be together and thrive rather than merely survive?

I guess in my thinking there should be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.
Could replace "should" with "could." It then becomes...

I guess in my thinking there could be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.

When you do that, you open the door to collaboration.

Ok...fair enough. Communication COULD be better. Things always could be. So... WHERE could it improve? HOW could it improve? WHAT could we do about it? As a group and individually to support that common desire -- to improve group communication? What am *I* doing to improve communication? What am *I* doing to block clear communication?

Anyone avoiding?
Anyone blaming?
Anyone shaming?
Anyone guilt tripping?

Sometimes people get their hackles up and they get defensive when they hear "should" language. If you are in the habit of using "should" thoughtlessly -- you could be shooting your own effort in the foot before you even leave the gate because you have already turned off your listener. Your "should" talk has put their defensive ears on and now every word you say will come in through that filter. You may not mean to come across as "Mr Bossyboots" but that is how you could be perceived. Could you be willing to see that possibility?

When you couch it like "the extroverts vs the introverts" you are making it be "us vs them." This could be perceived as divisive. Rather than inclusive and presenting it as "there's this problem in our polyship. What can each of us do to help alleviate it?" so it is a team effort thing.

Do you know what conflict resolution style you and your poly partners have? If they are clashing styles, are you each willing to change/adapt so that conflict resolution can be smoother in this group?

Again, could read poly hell. Is your wife experiencing any of those? Demotion, displacement, intrusion? What behavior do you do to add/take away from those things? What about her?

Your mother may very well find it easier to get along with your GF than your wife. But she doesn't need to say it to your wife or you repeatedly. If she says it to you -- you don't need to repeat it to your wife. You may WISH for different in your head, but you could ACCEPT what you have here.

Is it loving and kind behavior to keep on telling your wife things like that? Nope. You as the husband could make it clear to your family of origin that they could let it go, because it is NOT kind/loving behavior toward your wife. You could stop it also if you are doing it.

You all help to create the atmosphere/environment that you have to live in. If the climate here stinks -- could take steps to stop ADDING to the stink pile, and could take takes to TAKE AWAY old stink that accumulated.

Sort yourselves out. Take it one thing at a time.

Hang in there.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2013 at 09:53 PM.
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