Wow, so cool to find out we have that in common as well. I've been sober for 2 1/2 years myself. I've been around the program for almost 7 years but finally got it a little while ago. The gf is also very authentically in recovery. We've both surrendered and are happy, healthy, and free, not your typical young people in recovery still fighting against it.
I guess maybe you can uniquely appreciate a bit more about our predicament then! We met in recovery, are both extremely active in our communities, we're both friends with each other's sponsors, etc. And we both understand the value and importance of living with honesty and integrity and keeping the balance sheet clean. It's one of the reasons we've grown so close, that we share all of these values and this unique life together besides just being very compatible on a personality level. It's also one of the reasons why it's so scary to be bringing this poly situation into things, because we know how rocky it can get and we're both very much active members of our small community and will continue to be regardless of what happens to 'us'. On the one hand you'd think the program connection would foster such a great space for trust, and it does, but on the other hand it can create additional tension as well if there's a sense that feelings of uneasiness can spill into that arena. It's already hard because our sponsors are pretty traditional people (although her sponsor is a lesbian woman), but we're quite positive that neither one of them would be very accepting of polyamory. We each have permission to bring it up if it comes down to an emotional 'need to know' situation, but we're trying to avoid that if possible. But here again, that get's borderlin-y questionable in terms of keeping things in, thinking we can 'handle it on our own', etc. And this is the only issue either one of us has really not shared, besides with each other.
As far as making my needs known goes, I did make it known, and she offered to swap day for night, to which I said "no thank you, I'll keep my night please thank you very much have fun!" lol.
Originally Posted by Ariakas
Makes sense. Recovery can teach us a lot about ourselves. But as addicts we can easily forget the many reasons we we addicts. The belief of control of ourselfs and our surroundings kept us away from sobriety.
Poly seems random and out of control at all times. Since you can't control your partners it can feel like pure chaos. In the end, you can only control yourself, your actions and your feelings. Be happy with that and stop struggling with those many situations around you, you can't control.Be happy with yourself, confident in what you do
If you ever need to reach out, I have been sober almost 3 years. Poly for 5... wow really.. and non-monogamous for almost 15..
Make your need known. It really isn't fair to you if she has a limited pool of energy and its always been used with new partners. My wife had health issues and it was always a negotiation to have her go out and partner up, and not have energy for life when she got home. She had to figure out a balance between life, lovers, and homelife. But she didn't realize she was missing that balance until I told her my specific needs.
Might help your "crazy town" feeling..