Thanks for your response. I have been bullying myself in my head for sure. It's one of those personality traits I gained from other aspects of my life (in recovery) and honestly I've been really good about not doing it but this poly situation has brought it to a front.
I'd love to step totally out of my current situation and be able to call time out, but it's kind of already in process. I understand that I am ABLE to take charge of my own life and call my own time out if needed, but it's not necessarily what I want to do at this time. But I agree that I need to rephrase a lot of my internal questioning.
The thing is that my current partner wants to try this. She has told me that I need to tell her if "I don't think I can handle this". She in the past said that she may be willing to try mono, but I know in her heart of hearts it's not what she wants, and she will likely feel artificially restrained by this arrangement. But this is definitely pushing me to my limits. It's bordering on unhealthy, but I feel like I've come to this point and I don't want to pull back now. We are aware that our relationship is at risk over this issue. But I do love her as a person, she is extraordinarily important to me and I don't want to lose her. I'd prefer to have tried and failed to have given up because I was uncomfortable. Another part of me moves towards the thinking that "well, if we're fundamentally incompatible we're going to lose each other anyways right? So what's wrong with trying to find out if it's possible or not?" But your right, I'm into that 'edge' zone in terms of healthiness.
Also, I really do want to find out if this is my orientation or if it's all just programming! I don't want to run away because I'm uncomfortable questioning a bunch of emotional impulses that aren't actually mine but just installed by society.
I don't know. I'm trying to find a loving response in all of this. Part of me is happier when I stop coming around forums and stop researching and stop talking to people about it and just tune back into myself and herself, but then some issue will come up and I'll go into crises/panic zone and be back to it all.
But I really thank you for your help. I'm trying to figure out if this is just me, or just society, or what.
There are times where I feel like I can have a totally loving response to her in terms of understanding that I don't own her, and understanding that this doesn't mean she loves me less (a big one for me). And I can feel that when I'm ok with things and reacting well she kind of blossoms and we have these really tender times together I can sense how much she appreciates the work I'm doing in trying this. But then some trigger will happen and I'll go off the deepend with stress, sleepless nights, paranoia, etc. and I'm back in it. I feel like sometimes I can see the other shore, and it looks peaceful, but then I'm right back in the middle of the stormy seas adrift. If there's any chance in hell of arriving at that other shore I don't want to pull back now! But if there's really not I don't want to risk death on the high seas either (sorry for the extreme metaphor! :P )
I understand I've been floundering a lot in this thread. It's just kind of where I'm at.
Thanks again for all your help, and any more advice you have is appreciated.
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Sigh. This is meant kindly ok?
I don't know how you could have peace of mind if you are in the habit of talking to yourself inside your head this way. It is less than self-respecting behavior to talk to yourself so harshly. Just reading it makes me cringe.
You could cultivate more of these skills before trying to build a healthy polyship or a healthy monoship -- since you say your past monoships were unfulfilling.
Are you actually "less than?" Nope. All people have worth, dignity, and value.
Are you TREATING yourself with worth, dignity and value? Nope. You push yourself to beyond your current limits and treat you "less than" in your thinks and in your behaviors. How is this you being kind and self resecting to you?
You could treat yourself better than this.
You could take time to sit and reflect on that and how you want to treat yourself in future in both your thinking behaviors and your action behaviors.