Yesterday was a wonderful day and M loved all his presents. A very, very good date and time spent just being together. I told him about my squirm of jealousy and he seemed to take it in stride.
However, I guess he and his wife were up til 2 am last night "discussing" things. She messaged me this morning wanting to set up a time this week or next to get together to make sure we are all on the same page with logistics and stuff. I said ok, and we proceeded to do that. Then I messaged with M, and almost immediately started to feel very boxed in. He said that his wife was feeling like we were moving too fast for her, and she wants to have a firm schedule of when we are together - no more than two days a week and overnights once every couple weeks.
Unfortunately, I am not sure if I can handle those sorts of limitations. That's not how I do relationships - I like to have things scheduled, but I also want my relationships to be more organic. I cannot be shoved into behaving and feeling a certain way to make someone else feel more comfortable about me. I am definitely not about to have sex on demand like a booty call. I want polyfi and can't emotionally handle being told I can't have sex with someone because it isn't scheduled.
I think the main issue is how M's wife does poly. She is more into poly piles and polycules and everyone just snuggling and being supportive as a large group. That is not me and will never be me. That is also not M. He is happy with the way our time is being spent right now, and as far as I can tell, he is allotting it in a way that doesn't affect his wife at all. She works all day, and he sees me while she is gone. Being with me does not affect their togetherness time one bit. We live about 40 minutes from each other, so I can't see him more than 3 times a week at the moment, so to talk about pulling back is ridiculous, in my opinion.
But I guess she is having issues with handling that he wants polyfi very badly with me, and she was expecting it more closely follow the type of poly she is used to doing?
I really, really care for M - more than I expected to at this point - and I am not really caring if it is just NRE or love or whatever. All I know is that I need to feel connected on a regular basis, and if his wife cannot handle that, then I am going to have to pull back and reassess if this relationship is viable. I want it to be, and he wants it to be, so I really hope we can work things out.
I am feeling really sad and anxious right at this moment, because I now feel as if I cant trust this to be a firm footing for me. But I also am kinda positive, which sounds like a major contradiction when reading it, and even worse when living it! M told me this morning that he cares about me tons and used the L word. I think he is fairly anxious about his wife, but he says with us he is calm and not anxious at all because we are evolving in a way that feels natural to him. He does not want a scheduled sex time and dates that need prior approval either.
So we will see, I suppose. I am mixed up and I am going to carve out time today to see if I can write a clear expectation of what I need and what I want.
Oh, and I called my doctor about the STD results. I guess the cultures are in and so are the blood tests, but the doctor hasn't written a "results document" yet and so I won't know until that is done, which might not be until tomorrow. Don't need that stress, but it is what it is.
Unapologetically Poly My Online Journal
Me, Central Hub in a star shape (38F)
Wife to DarkKnight (39M)
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Girlfriend to WarMan (40M) - Monkey is his long time friend