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Old 09-03-2013, 12:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,400

That seems like a vent to me. I am sorry you are frustrated/angry.

Can a poly relationship succeed when it involves two couples who are inherently very different? Yes. Can YOURS? I do not know. You do not list what each of the problems are and what the desired outcomes for each are so people can help you figure out how to GET there.

You seem to list your feelings, and some unclear...stuff. Since it reads unclear to me... I'm just going to ask some questions to try to help you think it out and clarify. You don't have to answer here if you don't want to -- it's just for yourself, ok?

It started with me (39M) falling in love with my OSO due to my own marriage problems.
What were the original problems? Have they been resolved and let go of by all involved parties?

After a few years now, instead of the secondary relationship helping to improve the primary, it seems rather it's serving to highlight the incompatibilities that exist in the primary relationship.
Whose expectation is this? Yours? Your wife's? Does holding on to this expectation add to today's problems or take away?

Now I have reached a point of complete frustration/anger/resentment in my primary relationship.
What is causing your frustration/anger/resentment? What need is not being met by you? By your wife? By your OSO? Your meta, the other husband?

What behavior could you do so you could feel respected and that continuing the polyship is worthwhile? What behavior could wife do? The OSO? The other husband?

What about living with an introvert is hard for you?

As the hinge, are you being put "in the middle" by the other people? For instance... Does your wife expect you to talk to the metamour (your OSO) for her rather than talk to her directly?

What are you expectations of your relationship with your wife? Does she meet your expectations? Are the expectations realistic and rational?

How does your current behaviors add or take away from the old or new problems?
How does you wife's current behaviors?
Your OSO's behaviors?
The other husband's behaviors?

What are these behaviors?

The current most outstanding problem is that my wife really doesn't like my OSO.
This is a problem for WHO? Your wife? Or you? Or your OSO?

Are any of the issues of "poly hell" at play here for any of the people in your polyship? Which ones are affecting who?
Case in point is my mother feels closer with my OSO than my wife of 20 years! My friends trying to plan my 40th birthday party call my OSO and not my wife! My brother communicates with my OSO and not my wife. The list goes on and on.
What list goes on and on? Is this a laundry list of perceived reality that your wife is telling to YOU?

Or is this actuality? Your MOTHER actually is telling you she likes your GF better than your wife? And your BROTHER actually is calling your GF rather than your wife to organize your birthday? If so, have you asked your family of origin to not exclude your wife from family things? And not put you in this position between your loved ones?

I certainly could have chosen a more compatible person. I understand everyone is different in their own way but after years (20) of ignoring my own frustrations due to this incompatibility I am finally paying attention to what I want out of my life.
I think to myself sometimes life would be much easier just swapping and ending this but I know everyone has their flaws and it wouldn't be peaches and roses either if we did. So can this succeed or is this headed for failure?
So... why do you stay in your marriage? Habit? Or a desire to be together as life companions? What joys does it bring you? I'm not sure where you temperature is here. You seem kind of... meh on your marriage.

What is "success" to you for the marriage? How is it measured?

Is the goal to be together and thrive as life companions? Or be together and merely survive? Is it something else?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2013 at 01:21 PM.
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