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Old 09-03-2013, 03:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,029
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Sigh. This is meant kindly ok?

I don't know how you could have peace of mind if you are in the habit of talking to yourself inside your head this way. It is less than self-respecting behavior to talk to yourself so harshly. Just reading it makes me cringe.

I would like to lift these things up to you.

1)You could not be your own bully. You could talk to yourself in your head with self respect rather than put downs.

2) You do not "allow" her to date other people. She is not your property. She is in charge of her behavior. You are in charge of yours. Here? YOU have chosen to participate in concurrent relationships with her. If you have tried it on for a bit and come to find it is not fulfulling for you? You could ask to renegotiate or break up rather than tear yourself down.

3) You seem like you don't believe polyshipping is "normal" to you... yet you participate in it anyway. Could reflect on that behavior.

Quote:
Now if she weren't poly and were just a normal woman testing me to see what she can get away with or if I have any backbone that would be fair and true imo.
4) You seem believe love needs to be tested/proven. And that it is "normal" for people in exclusive monoships to disrespect their partners limits and go around pushing the envelope.

Quote:
Now if she weren't poly and were just a normal woman testing me to see what she can get away with or if I have any backbone that would be fair and true imo.
You have unhealthy seeming ideas about love and loving behavior toward partners. Could reflect on that.

5) You seem worried about not being able to compete with the other guy. Or be thought of poorly by other people if they find out your are participating in a polyship. The "If you have two honeys you are a stud. If she does, you are a cuckhold/doormat" thing perhaps.

6) You could listen to your poly friend.

Quote:
She was very supportive but also said that I need to be honest about my own proclivities and not try and force myself into a poly direction just because I feel like it's something I 'should' be able to do, or that I'm less of a person if I can't do it.
7) You do not seem willing to listen to your own feelings or respect your own personal limitations. I wonder if it is because you would rather overextend yourself than accept "Polyshipping is not for me" because that might lead to having to accept "She wants to polyship and I don't. We may need to break up" as well?

Everyone has a limit. If you are bumping up on one of yours this hard you could accept and honor it. To ignore it? That is not self respecting or caring for your own long term health and well being. Growth is a lovely thing... and it happens out there on the edges. But overextending self waaaay beyond limits? That's not healthy growth.

Quote:
But when my emotions start warring I hear "What kind of guy lets his girlfriend sleep with other men? A doormat beta nice guy weakling who has no self respect".
You could rewrite that in a way where you assume responsibility over your own actions instead of her actions. You do not OWN her. Could stop talking /thinking of her that way. You could rewrite that in a way where you stop being your own bully. Could leave evaluations out of it. Or if you are going to evaluate, evaluate your BEHAVIOR.

It could become...

"I agreed to sign up to participate in concurrent relationships. I find I am struggling with it. How does continuing this serve me? Well? Not well?"

At this time, you seem like you want to be willing to polyship. But you don't seem actually willing to polyship from joy in your heart and reaching toward something. You seem to do it from fear in your heart and fear of loss.

At this time, you seem like you want to be able to polyship. But you don't seem actually able to do it with peace of mind. You have intrapersonal skills that seem weak (ex: bullying self talk) and interpersonal skills that seem weak (ex: "letting women walk all over me")

You could cultivate more of these skills before trying to build a healthy polyship or a healthy monoship -- since you say your past monoships were unfulfilling.

Are you actually "less than?" Nope. All people have worth, dignity, and value.

Are you TREATING yourself with worth, dignity and value? Nope. You push yourself to beyond your current limits and treat you "less than" in your thinks and in your behaviors. How is this you being kind and self resecting to you?

You could treat yourself better than this.

You could take time to sit and reflect on that and how you want to treat yourself in future in both your thinking behaviors and your action behaviors.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2013 at 06:56 AM.
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