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Old 02-20-2010, 05:55 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I love the diversity on this topic. Even in my private conversations with Mono we have differing views...

Personally I love a lot and get hurt in my expression of it at times. I invest far too much at times and trust far too much. I make myself vulnerable with my openess and I find that others use me for that and instead appreciate that I am making myself vulnerable, tramp on my spirit.

Sure I dish out some of that too... we all do I think.

My take on it is that when I love someone and trust them in their love for me I make myself vulnerable... I'm not talking "I feel sad, cuddle me and love me for it" I am talking, "I am embarassed" or "I am mean," or "I hate myself because" or "I am confused, anxious, disappointed... all at the same time and am acting a bit crazy" Complete vulnerability where the other disappears and it is only me that exsists, yet they are still loving me and supporting me even if I am being selfish. That doesn't come easily and has to be a natural thing for those who love me... there is no faking it. It just doesn't work out. All is revealed when all of a sudden they are not there because they were pretending all the time that they were able to love me regardless...

Before you think I am some needy freak, let me just say that I have been there plenty of times when loves of mine are in need and need my unjudging love. It has been a test for me to see if that love I have is real or just something lessor or different.

I think that relationships start with a little love. More of a possibility of love. The more closeness is reached the bigger the challenges as lives merge with on another... the test is seeing how these things are overcome and how life comes back to balance again... when that balance reappears there is more love there I think.

It's got to the point for me that I find it hard to except a shallow depth of love. I understand that some people enjoy shallow waters and that works best for them, but it never has for me and I realize that I do better in deep water... I am more confident and feel more at home. I expect this too much when I meet new people... I think everyone is like me... I realize that isn't true as of late and have now decided to find out how people love before getting involved at any level with them. I'm hoping it helps my heart not ache as much.
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