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Old 09-02-2013, 10:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by theresnoquestion View Post
Without the huge long backstory of who I am, who we are (couple), and what we are developing right now-I am interested in learning more and although unable to put a label on who I am or feel like, or want in relationships-how do I learn the terminology, or varieties of poly/non-monogamy/open relationships so I can better understand myself, and my increasing desires to have a full loving life with my husband but also him and I exploring outside of our somewhat traditional marriage.
You may never find an area to fit into, and sometimes you might fit an umbrella.

I am poly, I can love more than one
I enjoy swinging, but really only with people I know now a days, previously, I liked to pickup in bars with my wife, swinging.. maybe, but unstructured.
I enjoy bdsm with strangers, but not sex
So many options within that non-monogamy umbrella..

Any book recommendations out there? I have recently picked up "Opening Up" and I am really enjoying it. For the first time in my history I feel I, and we (my primary partner/dh) are trying to be more authentic in who we are, what we want, what we need, and what we value. I feel excited discovering YES I have been denying this aspect of my self and it has been detrimental to my relationships and sense of self. I am hopeful, excited, and want to be able to better define "this picture" in my head. Not having multiple husbands all equal. Having my primary person that I love, care, respect, and would do anything for. But, for him or I to develop caring relationships, friendships who have a deep caring, respect, loving , sexy fun private life...[/quote]

Good choice. Of all the books on non-monogamy it was by far the best one. Covered a number of options, and pitfalls in enough detail to get a feel for what you like. (google the author, she is rather famous especially on the self help sex scene)..

Anyhow, any advice on helping with this journey of self-discovery and putting a few words to describe what I am visualizing or feeling would be helpful. I am a visual person so I have trouble putting the "right words" out there. Any books, websites, forums that might prove useful? Even anything to find out what I might be interested in sexually? Am a complete novice here, it feels like.
Honestly just keep reading, think about what you want out of non-monogamy and don't expect a catch all term. You may not fit any one mold.

Also, ignore a lot of the politiking that goes into non-monogamy too. Poly is a good example of where people mix up relationship structures with definition. Poly is simply the ability to love more than one. If you are a swinger, and you love more than one person.. you are still poly.. maybe not the mold thats expected but still poly.

Enjoy the ride, the nice thing about non-monogamy are the choices involved. Stay safe and enjoy.. and respect your partners.

We do have children and I know that discretion at this point in my life is vital. Perhaps in time I will feel I can own who I am but until then, and until my confidence develops around it-I think I need to keep it discreet so hard for me to say "Hey, monog. friends...thinking I want to have a bf on the side" hehe.
To relate something to you of my own personal experience. Eventually our non-poly friendly monog friends stopped hanging out. That was a decision made. We needed to be out with those people closest to us. In that process we may more friends.

Its kind of like family friendly people. When you have kids, you tend to want friends who are family friendly.. non-monogamy friendly is the same thing.

I would also recommend being very clear when you start finding partners. Kids.. aren't always a popular fit in non-monogamy. They interfere with peoples relationship & time expectations. So this is one area you have to understand and explain your boundaries clearly. And stand by them if anyone tries to start pushing you around.

Welcome to the party
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