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Old 09-02-2013, 10:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by gingersnap View Post
Ok, so I would really love some advice on my current snag.
We've been dating for 7 months, and had multiple check-ins during that time. We are usually pretty happy together, except for my girlfriend. She is having issues with "sharing" the attention (not really the sexual attention. That is an additional matter). But not between her and I or her and her husband, but when her husband and I give each other attention even with her there.

Her example: when we all hang out (on the bed, in the living room etc.) and she "space outs" but when she comes out of it, myself and her husband are talking about other things/playing/wrestling, and she then feels left out. Or she feels left out if she wants to go to bed, and the rest of us dont. So she wont go to bed. She'll stay awake and repeat that she is tired until we go to sleep. So she wants us to constantly check in on her. Or involve her without her just involving herself.
Its her job to ensure her needs are known. Also, my wife used to suffer from this. Its very childish behaviour. She always worried she would miss out on something. She eventually learned that we all had different interactions at different times, like any normal set of relationships. She had to adjust how she viewed it.

Besides missing sleep was a sure fire way to end up grumpy/crazy etc. Sleep is more important than feeling like they missed out.

I mean I get it, she grew up as an only child.
*rolls eyes* as an only child, I don't have this problem at all. In fact, I love my time to myself.

This type of behaviour can be tied to other problems, OCD, ADHD etc. But being an only child wouldn't do this, unless of course.. she was a wee bit spoiled as an only child.

She tells me how her parents drop everything for her, and when she would go home and visit they would go out of their way to accommodate her, or cancel their own plans (she's now dealing with her parents not dropping their plans for her on her upcoming trip and shes confused by it). And her husband is extremely kind and giving, and hates to see her cry (which is in any situation regarding emotion). He considers himself lucky to have a wife (and now girlfriend) and would rather just change things for her then argue or cause problems or have his own opinions. Its just easier for him to change and go with whatever she decides. So shes always been the center of attention.
Sounds kinda co dependent. They shoudl get that looked at.

I dont understand it because I give her the same attention I give her husband, and he gives her much more attention then he gives me (which I dont have a problem with). But I feel like she is expecting this relationship to be more of a V (with her at the bottom) instead of the triangle it was ment to be. And I dont know how to talk to her about this.
Well considering nothing is equal in poly.. I do think that you may simply be butting heads with her expectations. She may well want a V with a dotted line to you. Or simply expect more care and consideration from her husband. And.. in all honestly this can happen and can succeed. Nothing every relationship is equal and triangles can end up looking pretty skewed. ..

I assume they have been together longer as well. So, with that may come some long term adjustment. The emotional connection you give her may grow into more of what she needs, but she is stil familiar and expecting that of her husband.

Also, she may well be codependant on her husband, so of course anything you try to give to her, and it sounds like a possible healthy does of reality, she may not be looking for.

I dont want to cater to her, because Im not responsible for her insecurities, and I dont think that its fair. Its also confusing to me because I want to also receive attention from him, but he then has to overcompensate to her (especially if he and I have sex. He has to then make sure she feels like she received the same amount I got...even though they live together and have sex together all the time without me.) But if I dont cater to her and be more comfortable and myself, then she feels left out or overshadowed by me. This isnt going to work if I have to constantly be catering or tiptoeing around my girlfriend.

Any advice is appreciated!
Good for you.

All you can do is be honest, don't bottle it up but approach your concerns clearly. Also the poly trap to avoid is trying to talk through hubby (I am not seeing this in your post, just spewing thoughts as they come in).. if you feel like you are tippy toeing then you could build up resentment. You need to feel safe to table your concerns.

Of course this is without hearing the other side.. but those are my immediate thoughts.
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