I wanted advice on discussing how she is wanting a V relationship, where her husband and I focus on her, instead of a triad. I dont know how to bring it up without upsetting her more, or making her feel like Im blaming her.
Could simply ask WITHOUT evaluations. Don't judge if it is fair or not fair or good or bad. Just... report the weather. Something like this perhaps:
"I have been wondering if you prefer this relationship to be more of a "V" shape with you as the only hinge rather than a triad shape where each one of us is a hinge to the other two people. Could you be willing to tell me what you prefer at this time?
What is your ideal open model relationship shape at this time?
How do you see this evolving over time -- just stick to that shape, or it could change into another shape with the passage of time?"
I dont know how to tell her that she is needy and needs to be responsible for her wants/needs/feelings. If shes feeling lonely, join in. If she wants space, ask us/me/him to leave or go to a different room. If shes tired, go to sleep. I dont think its fair to be expected to babysit, or to be expected to give her my full attention all the time.
"We've been together a while. I'd like to be able to relax in our polyship and come to agreement on expectations of each other. I'd like you to speak up if something is bothering you. Or if you have needs and want to ask me if I'm willing to meet them at this time you just go ahead and tell me. I'm willing to listen and hear you.
Could you be willing to do that?
- Agree to speak up and be assertive if something bothers you?
- Agree to speak up and ask me if you want me to do things?
- Agree we expect each other to know and state our wants/needs/limits to one another?
She is either willing or not willing. If willing -- then let her own it. She either speaks up... or not. On your end you could ask her once "Things going ok with you?" and if she doesn't take the opportunity to speak up at that time, let it go and let her own it til the next time you check in. You don't have to be checking in every minute. Just once in a while as normal partners do.
You could ask him both those things too.
And ask YOURSELF both those things.
See if you are mostly compatible and this polyship just needs more TLC and more time to adjust to the "new normal." See if any of the players to grow some intrapersonal or interpersonal skills to be able to play ball well... then support/encourage each other TO GROW THEM.
Or determine if this is just not
a runner because you all are not compatible because you do not have the skills at this time and/or a shared vision for how you want to be together in polyship.
Could sort yourselves out.