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Old 09-02-2013, 07:20 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
My point is your relationship with the bf hasnt really gotten dialed up yet ....and no where near what would be your ideal or ultimate goal.

Downplaying for comfort ....when does it become inauthentic much downplaying makes it fake ? Downplaying this ...shading that ...massaging here, caressing there for what ? To cover the extent of the truth and keep him from bolting. ? It almost seems like management. You're trying to manage input to manage reaction and fallout.
Yes, probably true. I am doing that. Protecting his feelings, protecting my own heart from pain as well. One of the things that I am finding so challenging with him is "telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." When we (as a society) as so used to telling white lies, protecting feelings, and being nice (No, honey, that dress does NOT make you look heavier.), it is hard to learn to be honest. I am so much better than I used to be. But, still hard when it is a cold, hard truth that has consequences.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
It's not love styles's definitions of romantic love ...not even sex. If your not "in love " with 2 people at the same time ...what then. You said you identify as poly. You certainly are living some sort of poly dynamic ...but the acid test for me is being "in love " with 2 or more. 2 highly passionate romantic relationship happening at the same time. Not old companion and hot lover.
Well, "old lover" is subjective too. I am sure there are plenty of people on here who have old lovers or partners they have been with for long periods of time that they have a certain level of comfort with, but may not feel that NRE feeling with. I do not think I would do well to have two new relationships going on with two NRE's. I think my head would explode. I am much more comfortable with having an established relationship as a basis and then a newer one to explore.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Does this apply to only sex ? If you mess around in the car you husband pays for (helps pay for ) ...or text on a phone thats covered by family plan to whose benefit does that go?
I dont see the correlation. My car. My phone. The idea that my husband would have a say about what happens in my car seems silly. He might have a say in what happens in relation to our relationship, but not about inanimate objects. Unless of course, we left a mess behind for him or the kids to find. Otherwise, I feel that is a nonissue.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
On a side note what did the therapist say on telling your daughter ?
That keeping secrets in a family takes its toll. Better to let her know something is going on, so she doesnt imagine what is happening. To remember that there are categories of information, public or family, private and confidential. Family is anything we can discuss openly, private would be things we choose to share or not share based on whether it is appropriate for her to know (such as who am I having sex with, that would be private information), and confidential is things we are not at liberty to discuss (because it is harmful to another, the information belongs to another, or it just not relevant to her at all). We will be doing that this week with her.
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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