Originally Posted by rosephase
Gingersnap, have you told her “I would like for you to be comfortable going to bed and husband and I stay up and chat.” Have you been doing the hard work of figuring out what you need and asking for it? If your worried that she will feel overshadowed by you bringing it up maybe write your partners so they have the time and space to think over what you are saying.
I have talked to her about it. Ive talked to both of them about it. We've had multiple check ins during the relationship so far. The first check in revolved around how she felt she was this grumpy country mouse and I was prettier than her to the outside public, people on the street. So to adjust to that her husband and I now point out every time someone might be checking her out, or when someone could be flirting with her so she notices that it isnt just me receiving "outside attention". The most recent one has been her feeling lonely if she feels like we arent actively incuding her. Ive suggested if she feels left out to touch one of us to get our attention, or to join the conversation as she doesnt need an invitation. I have noticed that I have now become actively paying more attention/affection to her than her husband, unless he and I are alone. But I dont feel like thats fair, even if hes just dealing with it to make her and I happy.
But thats why I posted here. I wanted advice on discussing how she is wanting a V relationship, where her husband and I focus on her, instead of a triad. I dont know how to bring it up without upsetting her more, or making her feel like Im blaming her.
I dont know how to tell her that she is needy and needs to be responsible for her wants/needs/feelings. If shes feeling lonely, join in. If she wants space, ask us/me/him to leave or go to a different room. If shes tired, go to sleep. I dont think its fair to be expected to babysit, or to be expected to give her my full attention all the time.
I get that its hard, and when I come over, the dynamic changes because I work and only get to see them a couple times a week, so its much more "YAY I get to see my couple, so excited lets do stuff lets snuggle lets watch a movie.
" Alittle more high excitement, more touching, more playtime because I dont get to see them very often. She and her her husband responds the same way, but she then becomes upset because she doesnt match us, or she feels like hes paying more attention to me (who hasnt been around) then to her, even though the three of us will all be playing or laying together. The attention isnt focused on her even though she gets his undivided attention when its just him, or when its just me, instead of all 3.
So would that be considered hard work?