I'm surprised everyone is jumping to the “leave them this is to much trouble” thing so fast. It doesn't sound like the OP has talked to her about how she feels. Not in a telling her she is needy kind of way. In a “I would like these things to be okay in our relationship” kind of way.
Gingersnap, have you told her “I would like for you to be comfortable going to bed and husband and I stay up and chat.” Have you been doing the hard work of figuring out what you need and asking for it? If your worried that she will feel overshadowed by you bringing it up maybe write your partners so they have the time and space to think over what you are saying.
Poly isn't easy. Really amazing loving people struggle with it. And yeah you've got to decide how much your willing to struggle for a person. But the stuff you are talking about sounds like a completely normal struggle for someone who is facing dismantling the monogamous paradigm.