Thread: Sailing Solo
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Old 09-01-2013, 07:40 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 449

I originally set up this big blog to explore feeling and emotions, I am not doing very well with that, it is more of an activity blog.
I tend to process emotions into practical solutions very quickly, I feel X, therefore I do will Y to make it better or continue on this path as X is good.

My exH said I was like Mr Spock, ex thought I didn't have many emotions, sometimes I think he is right. I am very good at putting emotions into a box or dealing with them quickly. This is actually a huge benefit for my job, the one thing in my life that I say I am "very good at", the rest of life I feel I am functionally proficient at.

How do you explore emotions? How much should one think about how one is feeling? Is it a good thing to find practical solutions quickly? I certainly reflect on my behavior but not the emotions that drive it. I don't even know that I want to do much navel gazing.

I very much enjoy reading other people's blogs on here and there is much reflection on feeling, how this makes me feel, how that makes me feel. I will try to add feelings into the activities.

I am generally an upbeat positive personality, there are not too many insecurities, I will explore my 2 biggies in a moment. People describe me as reliable, stable, open-minded, non-judgmental, inquisitive, sexy. I asked around for some adjectives for my OKC profile. I struggle to describe myself.

So the 2 insecurities. My accent. If I list the countries that I have lived in there is no way to deny my writing this should that ever come up. So suffice it to say, I have a mish-mash of 5 strong regional accents not including the American twang that people say I have picked up. Ok, make it 6. For most of my life I have got the 'where do you come from question?" If I answer with the my base accent country then I get a whole political spiel, people have VERY strong opinions on my home country and I am frequently shocked at how they express this to a stranger. If I give a generic area answer, then it gets into, but you sound A, and I can hear B too, and did you spend anytime in C or D or E or F? All the time I thinking let me out of here and this is not what we are here to discuss.

Then comes the repeating things in their version of my accent. I have had this my whole life, I hate it. Strong emotion there. Most people do it, friends of many years comment on how my accent changes. Parents do it, siblings do it. I know it's weird! Stop pointing it out! Insert feelings here....I feel that people make character, intelligence, and political judgements based on my accent. I feel that they are not listening to what I say but how I say it. I can honestly say I have been horrified by the vehemence of the political thing. I have been stunned, and generally excuse myself when that happens. I feel sometimes there is an element of mocking, but mostly they are not listening to me, what I am saying is not valued. People close to me know it annoys the crap out of me. If I feel it is getting out of hand with friends or family, I do speak up, if it is in public then I let it go.

Kip does my base accent better than I do, unless I have been drinking, then he says it is really comes out. He does it in a sweet, funny way, and always adds his term of endearment for me. He does the other accents too, if I come out with something really strongly. It doesn't bother me when does it, in fact I quite like it, makes me think of home and makes me feel cared for. He is a non-American too, so has some experience of being odd-one-out.

Yo I don't think it does it much either. He has lived around the world too and if he is playing with accents then does the ones from where he's lived not mine. Occasionally he says something like, I loved the way you just said that. Then it feels like an a link between us, a shared global experience.

Prof, however, prof. I had to tell him again not to do it. He repeats things, I feel there is a mocking element, he says no, he likes it, enjoys the syntax.
In all fairness I didn't actually say I " it makes me guard my speech and feel uncomfortable". I just said I don't like it, that I am aware very aware it is different and have been getting this my whole life.

How I can share things when you keep repeating them! Yes, I say tomato, water and all sorts differently than you. It got the point the other day where I said" Aren't you bored with repeating what I say?" Hint hint, I am getting bored with it. His response, "No, I love your accent, I think it's cute." He even does it by text! I know I should find it endearing, but I don't.

I moderate my language at work and in public and in writing. I don't want to do it during down time. It can almost be like speaking a different language when you struggle to find the right word. I don't mind if you don't get the the idiom or understand the vocabulary I used, I am happy to "translate" , yes I get excited and start talking quickly and use all kinds of expressions, but I do that when I am relaxed, if you start repeating then I tense up, lose the flow and go back into clam/shut up mode.

People often describe me as shy. I am not shy. I just don't like speaking to strangers, explaining my accent and here we go again.

In home country, it also best to keep ones mouth shut in various parts of the country and city. I have had physical threats made on the basis of accent and name, you are in the wrong part of the city type thing. One is taught to keep one's mouth shut until you know what is going on and who is about you. You might even use a different name. It is hard to let go of that.

I had a class, as an adult, a few years ago, we introduced ourselves. I said home country and city and the instructor went into one about the political situation. I was ready to crawl under the table, not through embarrassment but for safety. I was thinking, how can you say this out loud in a roomful of strangers???? You don't know who is listening!!!! I feel panicked just writing about it.

So there we are, insecurity number one.

So feelings act #1. Have a better talk with Prof about how this makes me feel.
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
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