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Old 08-31-2013, 05:15 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacobJT View Post
Kkxvlv,

I appreciate your advice and will consider it. But also I've felt like some of the 'just own your own feelings' or 'better yourself, find a distraction, find a hobby' bits of advice to be a bit scary.
Lets be clear, I didn't suggest you any of these things and to make a long story short, if you have decided this relationship is nothing more than constantly painful experiences, I would leave.

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I mean sure, I can note a negative feeling and not make a judgement about it,
No you can't, you already called it negative, that is a judgement!

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but if poly were all about having negative feelings and just 'noting them', why would I want a life of that?! Or if I'm constantly trying to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions when she's out with others, isn't that just that, distracting myself? I want to pass through these things, not just distract and desensitize myself from them all the time.
Now you've jumped to assuming this is what poly is all about, and that no one would want that, and therefore poly is terrible and not right for you or anyone. All while saying you aren't judging.

Personally I don't even think we're talking about poly. I don't see any reason for you to make a determination about poly at all. You are just trying to decide if you can be happy in a relationship with your specific girlfriend while she pursues dating others. So I think trying to figure out what poly is all about and whether it is negative or positive is a waste of energy. Don't bother.

I'm not suggesting you distract yourself or try to avoid the feeling at all. i am suggesting a short term trial period, where you only collect information from yourself. I am suggesting you just take notice of WHAT you are feeling rather than try to categorize it as positive or negative, trying to decipher what it means or what to do about it. You're driving yourself nuts overthinking. You are questioning your own thoughts and judgements so they aren't even valuable to you right now. I'm saying take a break and don't bother trying to figure it out for a set about amount of time. Then look back and see if what really matters to you has become obvious.

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like I'm sure there's more to this advice than I'm reading, perhaps this is just advice to get through the early discomfort and peace and serenity and 'compersion' emerge later? But I don't just want to use mind tricks to sit through or distract from constantly painful experiences.
I don't have any reason to believe peace and compersion arrive later, I think eventually you know for sure if being with your girlfriend makes you happy or miserable. Including the part about how shes wants to be with other people. There aren't any tricks, its just not evaluating every moment of your life and making decisions under stress that you have to second guess anyway. Negativity creating more negativity is a mind trick of its own you know.
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