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Old 02-19-2010, 07:24 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I would feel very threatened and unappreciated if I thought my loves were looking for others because I am not filling a need they have in them. I want to be a whole package, I want them to be for me also. Any addition I make to my love life would be because I feel someone is worth it. Not because I have a need that isn't met.

If I have a need that is unfulfiled then I would take it up with who is in my life and ask for support and someone to walk hand in hand with me on it. I don't see my partners as outside of me in this way. We walk together, that is why I chose them. I simply wouldn't pick someone to fill a need and I wouldn't want to be chosen for that.

I see people and hear of people who gather lovers as if they are a commodit sometimes. I wonder if they feel lonely and need many people around them to ease that feeling. I wonder also if each lover fills a need... Or is it a matter of a certain level of comfort in the depth they have with each one that makes it work. Its not my reality so this is why I ponder these things in an attempt to understand.

I like the idea of saying and believing that a new partner is an addition to the amount of love rather than to fill a need. I think it keeps things positive and comes from a better place somehow. I understand that people are different than me that way, and that's okay, but if I was approached by someone who isn't getting there needs met and wants to see if I can fill them, then it would be a red flag for me too. I think it would make me feel that there is an agenda and that I am simply no use to them accept to fill that need. Also, what if I don't satisfy? Would I be cast aside? That certainly would be damaging. What about my needs anyway? Where would they come into play for the person? It all seems rather selfish somehow.

I have been considering this in inviting new love into my life lately. Its important for me not to have an agenda. I took on a female lover last year (and I say "took on," because I feel I was being selfish in my desiring to fill a need) and ended up ditching her because I realized she was filling a need and that I didn't love her. I felt guilt in that and that I was responsible for not letting her know I had in her in my life for certain reasons. She has become a good friend because I understood for myself that I was responsible for the relationship I had set up. I felt responsible for my selfishness in only having sex with her to fulfil a need in me. I don't any more, due to the fact that I chose to see her as a whole, worthy of being loved as a whole. Our lovely friendship that is far more deep because of me understanding now and all without my needs attached at all.

Now I am very careful of my motives and consider many details before taking on new love. I have decided that no relationship of mine, friend or otherwise, should be rushed into to fill a need I have. It makes me far to invested in them and I have expectations that are unrealistic for them. I set people up essentially and then get really hurt when they aren't who I thought they were and don't fill a need for me. Selfish I know, but I am learning.
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