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Old 08-31-2013, 03:55 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 846

Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
I had never considered it before this. I just never thought it was an option for me. But now, I could certainly say it's a possibility. I just need to re-learn what society has taught me about love. But I would say yes.
Never thought what was a possibility? A relationship?

When you say 'what society has taught me about love,' do you mean any of the things in bold below? Or something else? What specifically do you need to re-learn?

Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
I think some of it stems from the secrecy surrounding the poly lifestyle. It bothers me knowing that I will never be able to hold my partner's hand in public, or brag about her to my friends and family. For holidays, they have their families....they get to be together. They have the security and promise of marriage—of eternity. When I think of it in this perspective, I feel hopeless and alone. While my partner has always done a perfect job at making me feel included and wanted, I still hate knowing that I'm secondary... because she consumes me... every thought. I would never want them to separate... ever! But sometimes I find myself wishing that things could be different, and I feel quite selfish. I never thought that I would feel this way. If anything, I should really be so grateful that her husband is okay with our relationship. I feel guilty for my feels.

I can recognize the fact that these insecurities are sometimes just part of a poly relationship. I know I must learn to deal with these feelings in an effective way...
Loving someone is one thing. Being the dirty little secret is altogether different. I, for one, would be unwilling to always be the one left out, in the name of 'love.' I don't think that has anything to do with societal programming. I think it's a basic human need and right, to feel like the person who loves you is willing to, and in fact, wants to acknowledge you and include you.

I'm a single secondary, and it works for me for several reasons, among them:
  • I can and do hold his hand in public.
  • I do spend some holidays with him.
  • Those I don't, I'm spending with my children and not feeling left out while he goes off to his family and I sit home alone.
  • He does brag about me to his friends.

I foresee a day when never going to meet his family will become an issue for me, if we're still together (because he's not out to his family). We as human beings are social. We need connections and community, and eventually, I would want that. I make no apologies for having normal human desires to connect, to be part of my loved one's life and family.

It concerns me that you feel guilt for having any needs. The things you talk about are reasonable human desires and needs, to want to feel included, acknowledged, to want to feel some security in your relationship with your loved one, to want to hold hands in public.
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