Is poly better for women than men?
Okay, this will be my intro to the forum as well as my first question.
We are sort-of new to the poly life, at least in terms of a defined choice. My partner and I have been trad-mono married for almost 20 years. We rushed into marriage so we could be together (she was from another country and back then you could only stay together if you married). She's always been poly at heart, has had many past relationships and has always been amazing about staying in touch with old boyfriends. Over the years she's grown close to a number of men, but never consumated the relationships physically, because she loved me and didn't want to break the vows/my heart.
I also have a lot of poly, have always loved many women, but had much less experience than her when we married and made a firm commitment to being monogamous and not putting myself in "dangerous" situations. Over the years I cut myself off from women and even many of my close guy friends. I suppose I didn't trust myself if I was out there. There were a couple close calls, but I also was "faithful" sexually if not in my heart.
We came out to each other fully and completely a few months ago. It's been wonderful for us, as our marriage had stagnated and had come close to ending. We're having a new honeymoon and are happier than we've been since we first met.
My partner has already met and started a relationship with one man, and is slowly nurturing a friendship that's meant a lot to her and grow to more (once the reigns were loosened, she just went crazy!). Both men are out of town now, unfortunately for her, so she's keen to meet someone else. She has a glow about her, and is finding men coming at her from all angles. It's beautiful to see her blossom again, and she is absolutely gorgeous. Very very deeply in love!
I had a lovely one night with a beautiful woman who then quickly pulled away. Ever since I've struggled meeting people. Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship. For sure, I'm meeting the wrong women, but it seems as if the majority of women I meet are convinced monogamy is the only way. The pool seems very shallow (Vancouver, notoriously hard to meet people here!)
I've struggled with jealousy over the years, but I'm committed to this new way, because it's right for me and her and us, so I'm working on it. I know in the long run things will work out, as long as I can get my own life going. My partner will have no problems -- as mentioned, she's lovely and beautiful and has a many-year head start on me in terms of social networks and a life outside our relationship.
But I can't help but wonder if poly ultimately works better for women than men? Many, many men love the idea of a relationship to someone who won't ask them to move in and have babies, who just wants to have a good time and who will be fine with them continuing to see other people.
Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just impatient? But her out there and having the time of my life and me at home trying to figure out how to progress my own trip is pushing very deep painful buttons.
Does this resonate with anyone or is it just my current circumstances/world view? Is it just me? Am I being impatient? Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!