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Old 08-30-2013, 01:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,000

Originally Posted by HappyCouple75 View Post
[SIZE="4"]Well as of a few days ago, our couple finally admitted to each other they had major disconnects in their OWN marriage and needed time to reconnect. They had noticed they were not connecting as well as they had thought. I'm guessing it was due to me and my female love connecting so well and the things we texted and verbally said.

The whole time i was connecting to my lover, It was more of a transference of emotions and feeling that she had not been getting from her own husband. And had found it in me.
Now this was not the plan, and had been discussed countless times. We were not looking to replace.

So now here I am feeling like I was mislead and deceived. We have taken a slight step back, so they can "reconnect" I feel 100% supportive of that. Due to I have HIGH respect for him, and since they had done so much( unknowingly) for my wife and me. My wife and I connect and talk on such great levels now. And with out this lifestyle I don't think we would be so close as we are now. Now I feel obligated to help them to correct some issues in there marriage and be part of the solution not the problem....


1. Should I feel deceived? (being they didn't have as strong as a marriage as they lead us on to believe in the beginning)

2. Should I feel cheated out of what once was? ( I don't feel she and I will connect again at the same level)

3. Is this normal for couples to need to reconnect in such a strong polamory relationship, being they wouldn't admit to each other they had issues?

4. And the wife's lover is now saying he can give my wife the connection(mental) that he once thought he was. Because it a personality issue. And personality issues are tough to change.(even thou I did to conform to his way of thinking to be healthy and happy in this lifestyle.?
You are in a tough situation, one that was not of your own making, and one that you don't, ultimately, have any control over. That's hard. However, you seem to be dealing responsibly with it. Give yourself some kudos for that - may not seem like much right now but it is important. You are giving yourself, and your relationships the chance to grow later.

To address your questions:

1) It is ok to feel deceived. Our feelings are what we feel. We don't fully control what we feel. What we can control is our reactions and thoughts about our feelings. So here is my suggestion.

I don't think this couple meant to deceive you or your wife in any way. As you mentioned, they've played with other couples before but have not gotten emotionally connected with the others. They fell in love - he with your wife and vice versa, you with his wife, and vice versa and apparently you have a strong friendship with him and your wives get along well. That's rare to find. And they were unprepared for the implications of falling in love with other people - namely that it highlighted issues in their own relationship. It is reasonable to that they simply could not have known beforehand. The thing about poly is that it will highlight in ways impossible to ignore any fractures, trouble spots in a relationship. But this is not obvious to people new to poly - it wasn't to me when I first started having poly relationships. My marriage did not end because of poly but poly certainly brought up the issues we had.

So while it is normal to feel deceived, I suggest to you that you assume the best about this couple. They did not mean to hurt you and your wife, they did not know the full implications of falling in love (and neither do you or your wife), they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. So feel those feelings of deception, but don't act on them, don't accept them as the 'truth' about the situation. They are your feelings, not reality. While you may still feel deceived, you do not have to accept or act upon those feelings. Feel them and then let them pass through you.

Also feelings are themselves deceptive. What you may be experiencing as deception, if you sit with it and experience it and think about it, may actually be loss or fear or grief. You did not mention jealousy but jealousy is often what I call a 'stand-in' emotion for another powerful emotion you are not ready to face, like fear. (That's a generic you, by the way. I experience this and I believe most humans do.) We feel things like jealousy in order to avoid feeling even stronger, more scary feelings, like fear, loss, grief. Anger is another common 'stand-in' emotion - it can also be the emotion that one is fearing to feel.

2. Again, you are feeling cheated. You are mourning possibilities that you were really attached to. That is ok! That is normal and expected. Feel cheated. You have suffered a loss, as has your wife, and your friend and his wife. Even though they are ones pulling back, they are likely still mourning the loss of you and your spouse. It will not be the same - that is life. Moments in time come and go and they don't come again.

But, here, is where patience and being forgiving with them and yourself is critical. No, it will not be the same. BUT... It does not sound to me from what you have written that they have slammed the door for all time on any possible relationships with you and your wife. They are taking a break, pulling back, to put their house in order. You may still have hope that you can still have a relationship with his wife, your wife with him, and friendships between all four of you. Do not lose hope just yet. Mourn what you thought would happen. That is a legitimate loss. But be patient. Give them the time and support (where appropriate) to work through their issues.

That old trope of letting a bird go freely and it may fly back to you is rather true. You still have a shot of loving relationships (romantic and friendship) but this is a major bump in the road and you and your wife will need to patient, forgiving, and let go of expectations. That is hard and very unfun. I personally hate it. Patience is not my strong suit. It is possible they cannot return to where they were - but they may end up in somewhere where you and your wife can connect with them again. But don't give up just yet.

3. I don't know about normal but yes this pattern of poly sparking realizations that things are awry in the primary relationship is common. Like I mentioned above, poly will make blindingly obvious relationship weaknesses. It is common for couples to then pull back and address issues. Sometimes they outright dump the non-primary partners, sometimes not, but it does happen a lot. If you read on this board, you will find many threads about this very issue. It can be hard to avoid because, well, one cannot know what you do not know.

4. I don't really understand what you are asking here.

But, even if this guy is a bit more experienced in poly and/or open relationships than you, that does not mean that his way of doing things will work for you. There are an infinite number of ways to 'do' poly. Basically, as long as everyone involved knows about the other partners, and love is involved, then it is poly. The rest is details up to you and your partners to find what works for you. And some of his ideas may work for you and your wife, others may not. You may have things to teach him.

Best of luck to you!

P.S. This quote 'Now I feel obligated to help them to correct some issues in there marriage and be part of the solution not the problem.' concerns me. I understand wanting to help and be supportive. I tend to lean towards the 'let's fix it!' axis myself. BUT YOU CANNOT HELP THEM. Not in any concrete way. You and your wife did not cause their problems. Yes, your relationships with them may have been the catalyst but that does not make you responsible for their marital issues. DO NOT TRY AND FIX THEM. You will 1) fail and 2) possibly screw up any possibility for continued romantic or friendly relationships with them. What you can do is be supportive, listen to them, and, if they ask, be sounding boards for solutions. But otherwise do not try and help. Their marital issues are not yours to solve. Attend to your feelings, and to your spouse, and be a friendly ear, if they ask for one. Otherwise - stay out of it. Do so gently and kindly, but butt out.

Last edited by opalescent; 08-30-2013 at 02:04 PM. Reason: additions
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