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Old 08-30-2013, 12:16 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 42
Default yes

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You don't seem to write using need words. So I am guessing that your could be the needs for
  • reassurance
  • security
  • belonging
  • inclusion
  • to know you are an important poly partner (what stops this?) and be known as an important poly partner (by who? how?)
  • to see yourself as an important poly partner (what stops this?) and be seen as an important poly partner (by who? how?)
Yes. Yes. Yes. I think you're exactly right. After processing this for awhile, I think that I'm the only one who is making myself feel this way. As far as poly relationships go, I think ours is just about as healthy as they come. I think the real challenge is just for me to learn to adapt to this new dynamic. You also mentioned that I seem to have a fear of making myself vulnerable... which now I see is true, although that was a shocking realization for me. I usually pride myself in being able to open up to people I love. But this time, I think the fear really got to me.

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Would telling people about the relationship boost my self-esteem, preventing people from viewing me as a lonely loser? Ding-ding-ding-ding! So I'd uncovered my first reason for wanting to tell the world - I wanted to incorporate my relationship into my self-identity, as in now my self-identity says, I am a successful, desireable person because I am involved in this fantastic relationship.
This was enlightening. Although not the only reason for my feelings, it is certainly one of the biggest. I hadn't looked at it from that perspective before. And I'm used to secrecy... growing up gay in the south had its limitations. Maybe this new situation just drudged up all those old emotions again.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It is often helpful to express them, with a disclaimer that you know things can't change but you just need her to know where you're at with it.
I ended up doing this. I talked with her last night. The conversation sort of organically evolved, as I wasn't really planning on doing it. But I had spent so much time writing out my thoughts, I felt fully equipped to express myself. She was wonderful, as always. And now, I just wish I hadn't waited so long!

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How long have you been in this relationship ?

Were you in that long term relationship when starting this new V?

Upon enter this relationship with this women/ couple was a hierarchy discussed ...the term second used...or restrictions or time availability discussed ...meaning I can offer a once a week or once a month time slot.
This relationship evolved to everyone's surprise. Neither of us had been open to a poly lifestyle before... but we had undeniable feelings for one another. Our respective partners, although taken aback a little, were completely open-minded and supportive. My other relationship ended for reasons outside of poly... but yes, we were together when my current partner and I got together. As for boundaries, no explicit ones were discussed, but we all agreed that open communication was the most important thing. Her husband actually made the comment to me once that he didn't have much respect for the traditional institution of marriage, and that he knew I could give her things he couldn't, and vice versa. Even though I know he's had his struggles along the way, just as I have, he has been extremely supportive and open-minded the entire time.

Originally Posted by RickX View Post
Hi! I'm also in a V for almost a year now with a married couple. I'm a single guy, my gf is married, and is lucky to have an awesome metamour. While it appears I'm merely the "3rd wheel" or a secondary, but I never felt that way. They treated me as co-equal. She assured me that it is only from the legal perspective that I'm a "secondary" since I'm not married to her. I can hold her hands in public and display some modest affection, date or dine anywhere (except to some "hot spots" near her workplace or where her colleagues usually hang out). I also introduced her to my family and friends as my gf (not mentioning she is married, of course). They also bring me to their family gatherings as a family friend. I care about her and so I dont want her to get into trouble. Those minor discreetness arrangements (on some "hot spots") don't bother or annoy me at all. Just sharing my experience.
Thank you for sharing this! It made me smile. I talked with my partner last night, and she helped reassure me of some of these fears. I hope it won't be long before I learn to navigate this new dynamic, and be able to appreciate my situation more, and see it for the positive thing it is.

For me, I feel guilty when I experience jealousy... because I'm the one being "added" to their relationship. Does that make sense? Her husband is awesome for being open to this, and I feel that I have NO right to feel jealousy. Did you ever experience jealousy in your relationship? How long did it take to overcome it? What were some things you did to help yourself overcome those feelings?
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