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Old 08-30-2013, 02:02 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 745

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Where's the line between past experiences and insecurities and wisdom and guidance.?

Is this a case of gut telling you one thing head or something else telling you something else that creates this internal conflict ?

What is your ideal long term goal in terms of romantic partners go ?
I'm not sure where that line is. That is probably something else I need to learn.

My long term goals tend to depend greatly on the relationship. With this particular man, I don't see us ever cohabiting or anything like that. So, the goal would be to just have a loving relationship where we see each other regularly (right now, I'm enjoying at least twice a week, but I am comfortable with that lessening if necessary).

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What is your need?

Based on that it seems to be something like...
  • I am worried about the future.
  • I want to know to what extent he cares about me.
  • I want to be treated well and not "disposable."
  • I want to know if there is long term potential here.
  • I need (belonging? inclusion? reassurance? security?) in this relationship.

If it is somewhere in that ballpark?
  • You could ask him to what extent he cares about you at this point in time and if he sees it deepening or not over time.
  • You could talk to him about how you prefer to be broken up with. So it is respectful and not "disposable." You could ask him to reassure you that if it came to that on his side of things... he would break up with you in your preferred method and not like you are disposable. (You could ask him how HE would want to be broken up with if it came to that on your end of things.)
  • You could invite him to build toward something long term. So you can know there's long term potential here -- because you both agree to try to build toward that and share the same goal/hope for the relationship.

Maybe having the answers to those could help alleviate your worries.

I think it boils down to worrying about how much he actually care about me (is it more of a selfish "she's good to me, so I care" kind of thing or a genuine caring) and wondering what the future holds. There are so many things in transition right now that things have been very up in the air (scheduling, when we can talk, etc), and I really like structure. I need to feel like I am being made a priority in the midst of all this madness.

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
While your bf was not heartbroken over the loss of his marriage, it is still a huge change in his life. A person wraps oneself up in the routines of daily life with another person, and it is going to be a stark change when it's gone. He may just be preoccupied as hell, and no reflection on you or how he feels about you.
This is a fair point. I know he has a lot on his plate, and he doesn't talk to me about it much at all anymore. He doesn't want to "drag me down" when we do have time together. At first he was basically using time with me as a distraction, and I think it formed into a habit that he's having trouble breaking now that he's actually processed a bit and is trying to find a new normal.
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