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Old 08-29-2013, 04:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,493

I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.
No problem. I was too.

Yes, I had read it, but it was a while ago. I just went back and read it again. Absolutely, that is all happening for him right now. And for 6 months or so, I was doing everything I was told to. Talking, snuggling, spending time together, having sex on a regular basis. And none of it was helping him to feel any better than he did. I admit I hit a wall. I started to resent that I was making such efforts to make things better for him, but I wasnt getting that in return. I needed to try a different way.
My point is your relationship with the bf hasnt really gotten dialed up yet ....and no where near what would be your ideal or ultimate goal.

And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????
Right exactly. I dont know how to answer that. Does it count? Maybe. Should it count? Subjective.... He does not want me to do anything out of obligation. The disparity is that I just dont want to at the same pace he does. Common relationship issue, or so I have heard...

How many times are we with a partner, and we are thinking about work? Or school? Or someone we know who is sick, or struggling with an issue? I know that thinking about another love when Im with a partner sounds squicky, but it's also a reality. We can downplay that for our partners comfort.
I guess this gets really subjective in what is meant by "thinking about " another love. Is it as simple as hearing something the triggers a 'Oh hey I need to tell BF that the next chance I get ...or as your date night wears on you play back comment bf made about being tired from his day and you hope he's still up when you get done or home the extreme ... closing eyes during sex and imagining it was the other guy.

Downplaying for comfort ....when does it become inauthentic much downplaying makes it fake ? Downplaying this ...shading that ...massaging here, caressing there for what ? To cover the extent of the truth and keep him from bolting. ? It almost seems like management. You're trying to manage input to manage reaction and fallout.


Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.
Yes, we have talked about that somewhat. Splitting up, what if he does find someone who is willing to be loving and affectionate and submissive and dominant and mono with him? He may very well decide to leave me... Which would suck.. but is a risk of letting someone you love go, to love another.
Are you saying you went through the list a negative What If's/unintended consequences....or just the one with him finding someone else ?

Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.
TB was fine with it. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it helped him reconnect with me when I returned. On the other, he got to reap the benefits, and as long as he was getting laid, he was happy. (This is my very snarky, defensive response. Not what I really think was happening. But it is an angle I have considered.)
Fine might be subjective in this. Fine because he knows the limited nature of whats allowed him a shot to showcase is love and affection for you .

'He does not want me to do anything out of obligation." except in this case. Or did you initiate these encounters.

Reconnect implies disconnect. Was it reconnect or repossess ?

Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?
Yes, to protect his feelings. To not make him feel as though BF is more important than he is. They are both important to me. I love both of them. I want both of them. The "picture" of what each relationship looks like is different, because they are different guys, and they each bring out different aspects of me, but neither is more important than the other.

But also, because I cannot go back and second guess every decision. If I were to say, "Gee, I made a huge mistake walking away from you. I should have married you instead", that, to me, feels like I am saying I dont want the life I have now. TB and I have a good life, we have loved much and endured much. I have a job I love, that I may or may not have found with BF. I have three amazing kids, and I would not wish them away for all the love in the world. So to say, I wish, is just giving us the opportunity to feel bad about things we cant go back and change anyway.
But isn't that the truth ...that's how you really feel ...that's how both you and the BF feel made a huge mistakes.

Today is some old flame of his came back into his life and they admitted the same thing to one another wouldn't you want to know that.

I get the going back ...looking back but doesn't this impact the future ....As far as demotion and displacement it sure would.

Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.
Im not sure I understand. Do you mean to ask whether two people who have different love styles can BE in love? And can they find ways to be together, and have a poly relationship?

I also have friends that are part of my poly family, but are not lovers. We love them completely. If they lost a child or a partner,or had some other important event come up for them, I would drive the 300 miles to be with them, no matter what. I think it's about love, not sex. Which is why BF is still my BF and not just my friend....

It's not love styles's definitions of romantic love ...not even sex. If your not "in love " with 2 people at the same time ...what then. You said you identify as poly. You certainly are living some sort of poly dynamic ...but the acid test for me is being "in love " with 2 or more. 2 highly passionate romantic relationship happening at the same time. Not old companion and hot lover.

Also thanks alot RL that cleared things you nicely

Are you taking something away from him that he would otherwise be receiving?
Yes. I am, actually. It is unfair because he does not have the opportunity to reap the benefits of our interactions.
Does this apply to only sex ? If you mess around in the car you husband pays for (helps pay for ) ...or text on a phone thats covered by family plan to whose benefit does that go?

On a side note what did the therapist say on telling your daughter ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-29-2013 at 04:18 PM.
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