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Old 08-28-2013, 07:33 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

We're talking about people who are directly and personally involved in our own lives,
Your metamour isn't directly and personally involved in your life. Not by default. It's a choice to have that sort of relationship with your metamours,and some people need that to feel secure and in control.

your own relationship with your baby daddy is far more relevant to this discussion than the people he hangs out with. When you need to discuss parenting issues, do you speak to his father directly, or do you send messages through your son?
No a direct comparison would be whether I "maintain boundaries" we have established as co parents with the people my ex introduces to my son, or whether I expect him to do that. The answer is that I expect him to do that. If someone my ex introduced to my son encouraged something I/we consider undesirable, I'd speak to my ex about it, not that other person. It's my ex's job to make sure the people he brings in my son's life are kosher.

I find it interesting that when it's parenting, you acknowledge that fact, but when it's your own household, you place the full burden on your partner to make your needs known. Why give up your voice when it's your home and not your child?
As you will now read, I wouldn't try and maintain the boundaries in either situation. My ex/partner know/will know the rules about our kid/house, and therefore I expect them to maintain those rules within their other relationships. If we have a no smoking rule, or no shoes in the living room, it is up to him to tell his guests that we have those rules. I am not giving up my voice, I never had a voice in someone else's relationship to begin with. That's the thing.

[QUOTE]sometimes you actually have to talk to people yourself in order to achieve your goal.[QUOTE]

Talking to someone and attempting to maintain the boundaries of their relationship with your partner are two different things. Yes, I might discuss with my ex's girlfriend why I have a certain ethos or rule in general conversation but not as an attempt to maintain the boundaries of her relationship with my son. That's his dad's job. If shit happens that shows that he hasn't maintained those boundaries, then I'd have words with him, not her. He is my co-parent, not her. He is the one who has a responsibility to our son and me to maintain agreements, boundaries and rules - not her.

To me, this can be summed up by trusting your partner. If you feel secure in the fact that you have chosen a considerate, respectful, intelligent partner, you'll find it easier to trust that they can do things like maintain the rules and boundaries of your relationship without being supervised, micromanaged or you having to go over their heads to step in. The talk about being able to work with people you don't like is in reference to the idea that you need to meet a metamour and get a "vibe" off of them before you decide whether they are okay to be in your kid's life. When you trust the judgment of your partner/co-parent, you don't need to do that simply because their call is good enough for you.
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