We're facing hard times. That's all I want to say about that right now. It doesn't matter what it is -- I just want to capture a feeling snapshot.
I was straddling DH's lap on the couch so I could hug him and he could hug me face to face. I had my head on his shoulder and I was feeling empty inside.
Sad, bad, ugh. That "hollow" sensation.
He was stroking my hair and back saying whatever it was he was saying. I have no idea. I wasn't listening. I was off in space feeling hollow. Thinking about how EXTRA lonely it is to be so lonely when sitting in an intimate way on someone else.
I don't go around sitting on everyone's lap.
Then I decided "Wait. I'm not being present in the moment. I am not here. I am off in space. I'm the one keeping me in lonely land with my thinking behavior. DH is talking to me and I'm not present. He's trying to connect and what am I doing? I'm off in space."
We had been talking about discipline over dinner. The discipline it takes to learn something new, take lessons, not let thoughts run amok. Self discipline of various kinds.
And I was sitting there letting my thoughts run amok and not be present in the moment. Lacking in thought discipline right then.
So I wanted to bring it back and I whispered in his ear, "Tell me you love me."
I know respond to voice tether and touch tether. So I was asking him to talk to me and touch me.
"I love you."
Then I put my head on his other shoulder. "Now tell me that you love me in this ear."
"I love you in this ear."
I grinned into his neck, because he likes being goofy like that. And I like knowing him so well I know he's going to do that.
Then I went back to rest my head on the first shoulder.
"Ok, now tell me you love me in this other ear."
"I love you in this other ear."
"Now this one again."
"I love you."
"Again over here." I changed sides again.
"I love you, I love you, I love you!" he proclaims, making me laugh. Laughter is a good thing -- releases all kinds of happy brain chemistry.
"Yay. Now take me to bed and tell me you love me all over my body."
He laughed, like I knew he would. Both of us feeling blah and both of us laughing any way.
He kept stroking my hair and then after a while I felt curiously half-hallow. Something was seeping. And it felt better.
And I know this from kink -- the seeping feeling from my head of brain cocktail hormones. When it's the bad kind it feels like hot prickle needles to me. When it is good it feels like ocean wave whoosh! I really don't have the vocabulary to describe the sensation I was having. It was neither prickly nor whooshy. I was having a new seepage thing.
I sat in his lap for a long time being hugged, petted, and whispered comforting things to trying to monitor this new seepage and what that felt like now that I was changing my thinks to something else. With emotional flooding, I know it takes at least 20 minutes to get past the ugh. So I was waiting it out to see what this new seepage thing could become.
Feelings ensue after behavior. Thinking is a behavior. I think therefore I feel.
And instead of thinking about "lonely and hollow" I started thinking about how long I've been with this man, my husband.
And how I know all his goofball jokes like telling me "I love you in this other ear."
Or the taste of his earlobe. And MY GOD did he have garlic breathe from dinner.
And how easy it is to BE when it is easy. And how hard it is to BE when it is hard. And how every other time it has been hard before we managed to BE. So really? This time? When it is hard again?
We've been here before. We will be here again one day. We're here now. Enduring a hard time.
We've gotten past it before. Some day in the future -- we will have gotten past it again.
And in the Hang Time in between? That is neither here nor there? Just waiting it out?
It's enough to BE then. Be present. Waiting it out. Feel whatever it is and let it go. Let it ride til it's ridden out.
And there is a comfort to be had there, when you endure and wait things out with a long term partner. Even without a partner, there's a comfort to be had there. To be able to have disciplined thoughts, change the direction your mind is going in and make space to let new feelings ensue.
Open to receive whatever might come next.