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Old 08-27-2013, 09:24 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 87

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Hey how was your weekend ? ...sorry I was away for a few days .

I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.
No problem. I was too.

Yes, I had read it, but it was a while ago. I just went back and read it again. Absolutely, that is all happening for him right now. And for 6 months or so, I was doing everything I was told to. Talking, snuggling, spending time together, having sex on a regular basis. And none of it was helping him to feel any better than he did. I admit I hit a wall. I started to resent that I was making such efforts to make things better for him, but I wasnt getting that in return. I needed to try a different way.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????
Right exactly. I dont know how to answer that. Does it count? Maybe. Should it count? Subjective.... He does not want me to do anything out of obligation. The disparity is that I just dont want to at the same pace he does. Common relationship issue, or so I have heard...

How many times are we with a partner, and we are thinking about work? Or school? Or someone we know who is sick, or struggling with an issue? I know that thinking about another love when Im with a partner sounds squicky, but it's also a reality. We can downplay that for our partners comfort.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.
Yes, we have talked about that somewhat. Splitting up, what if he does find someone who is willing to be loving and affectionate and submissive and dominant and mono with him? He may very well decide to leave me... Which would suck.. but is a risk of letting someone you love go, to love another.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.
TB was fine with it. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it helped him reconnect with me when I returned. On the other, he got to reap the benefits, and as long as he was getting laid, he was happy. (This is my very snarky, defensive response. Not what I really think was happening. But it is an angle I have considered.)

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?
Yes, to protect his feelings. To not make him feel as though BF is more important than he is. They are both important to me. I love both of them. I want both of them. The "picture" of what each relationship looks like is different, because they are different guys, and they each bring out different aspects of me, but neither is more important than the other.

But also, because I cannot go back and second guess every decision. If I were to say, "Gee, I made a huge mistake walking away from you. I should have married you instead", that, to me, feels like I am saying I dont want the life I have now. TB and I have a good life, we have loved much and endured much. I have a job I love, that I may or may not have found with BF. I have three amazing kids, and I would not wish them away for all the love in the world. So to say, I wish, is just giving us the opportunity to feel bad about things we cant go back and change anyway.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So as the evolution on soul mates is happening was TB made aware of this yrs and yrs ago or does he learn this recently?
Oh, no. We have talked about stuff like that on and off for years. He has known this a long time, and shares many of my views on the subject. It's not new.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.
Im not sure I understand. Do you mean to ask whether two people who have different love styles can BE in love? And can they find ways to be together, and have a poly relationship?

I also have friends that are part of my poly family, but are not lovers. We love them completely. If they lost a child or a partner,or had some other important event come up for them, I would drive the 300 miles to be with them, no matter what. I think it's about love, not sex. Which is why BF is still my BF and not just my friend....

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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