Warning: this post is not sugar coated. There's enough of that going around. You need a reality check.
What I see is that you're relying on your wife to be your one and only support. That's problematic enough when the person is emotionally strong and naturally supportive.
Your wife does not have the emotional or psychological tools required to help you through this situation. Assuming you're determined to stay in this marriage, that means the onus is squarely on you to find someone else who can help you get through this. That might be a good friend, a family member, or a therapist.
If you're having panic attacks, then you need professional help. That's beyond the scope of even the most loving and supportive spouse. Most universities offer some kind of free counselling for their students. Look into it.
Forget about dating right now. You're a trainwreck and the last thing you need is to add more complication into the mix. You're at a place where you're expecting other people to take care of you. Take care of yourself.
At this point, you need to stop thinking of your wife as a critical component in your support network. Of course, she "should" be supportive and compassionate and all that idealistic stuff. But if she was going to work on that, she'd be doing it by now. Clearly, she has no intention of picking up the pieces of the mess she's creating. You have to react to reality, not fantasy.
Yes, she initiated this whole poly thing. Yes, that should mean that she ought to go above and beyond to make it work for you and your family. But obviously that ain't happening. We can all sit here and sing until we're blue in the face about what she should be doing and how she's failing you as a spouse. But none of that is going to change her behaviour. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin taking care of your own self and stop expecting her to take care of you.
“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.” —bisexualbaker
Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 08-27-2013 at 06:58 AM.